everything changes (but we all stay the same)

chapter seven: it's my fault, i'm so sorry

it's my fault
everything that has been happening lately is my fault
its all my fault,

all my fault all my fault all my fault all my fault all my fault all my fault all my fault all my fault all my faultall my fault all my fault all my fault all my fault all my fault all my fault all my fault all my fault all my faultall my fault all my fault all my fault all my fault all my fault all my fault all my fault all my fault all my fault

i'm so sorry, my lover
i'm so sorry, my friend

everything happening to you,
my closest and most trusted,
it is all my fault you are suffering too

i am a disease, i am a sickly grimy disgusting illness
contagious to those who get too close,
to those who i let too close,
i spread my illness
my negativity
my pain and torment
my disorder and confusion
everything that ails me and haunts my mind,
it is contagious though me
a vessel for the disease,
and it is my fault you are hurting now

it is my fault
that you are all leaving me,
slowly untying us and letting our connections weep
until i have been abandoned once again

he has already abandoned me,
he told me he loved me
and that we will stay friends
when he walked me to the front door of his house
and told me to be safe as i walked home

he didnt know that night,
i spent hours aimlessly wandering the neighborhood
taking turns and paths unfamiliar to me
simply letting my useless legs stumble
through that dark night on those unlit roads,
knife in one hand, other dangling by my side

and that night,
i sat down next to a metal pole
that fenced off an empty parking lot,
i sat there and i let myself weep
i sat there and i played my arm like a violin,
that bowstring made of steel,
and let my body weep alongside my heart
i sat there for hours more,
until it was late enough for me to return home
without my parents asking why i came home early

i came home and locked myself in this cold and dark room
i gathered all my sharpest blades
strongest whiskeys
most potent pills,
and i used them all on this sickly body of mine
until i couldn't think a single coherent thought
and those blades hit the white
that separates the fat from muscle
and i could clearly see the bright blue tissue
of my cephalic vein.

its all my fault
that i abuse my body like this,
and then act unaware
when my lover became concerned
when he saw a new scar, a new bandage
every single time i came to see him

its all my fault
that i am becoming too sick
for my friends to care anymore
when i've exhausted any and all sympathy they can give

its all my fault
that i've started lying to lover and friend
about why i have been losing weight,
when i tell them the medication makes me feel ill
or that i have a sensitive stomach to certain foods,

they don't know
that i have been starving myself for months
and purposefully taking more adderall
to stave off my appetite,
and haven't touched processed or unhealthy foods
since i last binged on cakes and crisps
and make myself vomit
until my throat bled and swelled for days

they don't know that i have lost control over the disorder,
that i always forget to eat now
that i compulsively eat only "health" foods
that i have gotten used to the dizziness
that my body aches all day and night
that my skin has turned sickly pale from malnourishment
that i always feel so cold
or that i have lost 50 pounds in the past 3 months

it is my fault
that i have been lying to them about this
and have completely given in to the anorexia
once again in my life

everything is my fault,
i simply cannot name a single thing
that is not my fault,
because i am a walking disease

i must quarantine myself
until lover and friend completely forget about me
only then will my disease leave their pure minds
and they will be free of my curse

i am terrible,
and disgusting

i am so, so sorry
for entering your lives
and spreading my illness once again,
it appears i never learn

i must keep punishing myself
and remind myself that i am worthless
that all i ever do is hurt people
and that i am a horrible person

and it is all my fault

...

im sorry.