everything changes (but we all stay the same)

interlude: changes, and changes (and changes again)

how long has it been
since i have felt the need
to write out my inner workings?

how long has it been
since i have felt so...
refreshed.

perhaps, it's because
i stopped taking my antidepressants?

or maybe, (this being just as likely,)
it's because i've come to terms with
myself,
my identity,
my body,
and who i am?

or maybe because i am now,
(finally,)
taking testosterone.
(3 months on it, to be exact!)

it's probably a fair mix of all of these options,
to be frank.

because now,
well...
i feel free.

i've changed,
and i am still changing,
and it feels good.

-

i've come to terms with my identity;
i'm a bisexual trans-boy,
i'm a chaotic mess of a person,
and i can be toxic at times,
that's for sure,
but i am caring and sweet as well.

i've come to terms with my body;
i'm short, chubby, and a bit on the hairy side,
i have wobbly joints and body pain,
i sometimes have to use a cane to walk,
but it's okay, because
my body is what helps me sing,
and dance, and eat my favorite foods,
and hug my boyfriend tight when he's feeling down,
and listen to music on full blast with my sick new headset.

i've come to terms with who i am (well, mostly);

i admit, i'm a bit of a handful,
and i can be a dick from time to time.

but i also love helping people,
and making them feel loved.

sometimes i can have morbid thoughts,
(though it's usually caused by my intrusive thoughts,)
thoughts that leave me reeling,
questioning if i am a good or bad person...
but i'm neither (both?), and thats normal.

everyone has a little good,
and a little bad as well,
but that's just a part of being a balanced spirit,
you know?

i love making stupid jokes,
and being the comic relief for my friends and family,
but i also like being gentle and sensitive and soft,
or angry and angsty and dark.
i am, after all, a three-dimensional person.

and most of all,
when it comes to my personal character,
i just like to think of myself as a good-hearted,
yet crazy dysfunctional bastard of a boy.

sometimes i drink,
sometimes i pop a pill or two,
sometimes i get a bit manic,
sometimes i cut my skin to watch it bleed,
or indulge in riskier media,
or burn bridges better left open,

but... surprisingly,
i'm doing good.

and it's an awful uphill battle,
but i truly do think that i am getting better.

things keep changing and changing,
and always will be changing,
but that kid deep down inside of my soul
will always be the same.

(and he just wants to have fun and live life happily.
and who am i to deny that child their dreams?)