everything changes (but we all stay the same)

0.1 // childhood

i was always such a happy child.

i didn't sleep at night, but i was happy.
i didn't let the daily night terrors and sleepwalking affect that happiness.

i was so happy.

i had parents who loved and cared for me.
they bought me toys after they were finished yelling at me.

they were so nice.

—

when i was young, i got bitten by a dog.
i was deathly afraid of them since then.

today, when someone asks me why i don't like dogs,
i just say it's because they smell.

not because the sight of them brings me visions of a large dog holding my grandfather's hand in a vice grip,
shaking him around violently.

not at all.

—

i used to have so much fun on the playground.
i would chase kids around, screaming with joy.

they never chased me back.
in fact, they seemed to hide from me.

i never noticed, though.
i was too happy.

but i was too scared to play kickball with the other boys.
i knew deep down that i was like them,
but everyone wanted me to be the pretty little girl that they always dreamed i would be.

—

when i was young, my older sister was my role model.
i wanted to be just like her.

i started to wish to look like her, too.

i thought young girls were supposed to look like her,
i thought that's what i was supposed to be.

i thought i was supposed to be curvy,
have large breasts,
and be feminine and proper.

i thought that was what i was supposed to look like.

i hated it.
i hated it so much.

i wanted a flat chest and a slim, angular body.
i wanted a deep voice.
i wanted a penis.
i wanted to be a boy.

—

at age 10, i discovered that i was not, in fact, heterosexual.
i started to identify as a lesbian,
because i thought that was the only option.

it was the only thing i could possibly be.

"maybe i'm just a tomboy.
maybe i'm just a butch.
it's whatever."

—

it was age 12 that the darkness started to cloud over my childish euphoria.

it was when i started cutting,
when i started hating my body,
when i started feeling the effects of my dysphoria and dysmorphia.
when i started feeling depressed and anxious.

with puberty came so many new feelings,
so fast,
and all were bad.

i started to act feminine.
i just wanted to fit in with all the girls.

i grew my hair out long.
i wore flower crowns and skirts and pretty blouses.
i woke up an hour early each morning to do my makeup.

it was at age 14 when i discovered that this toxic femininity was hurting me.

it wasn't me.
it wasn't what i wanted to be.

it was at age 14 that i started to question my gender.