everything changes (but we all stay the same)

medicine

every night and morning,
i fill my stomach with pills.

medicine that takes away the sadness,
takes away the hysteria,
takes away everything that has haunted me.

but the only thing it leaves behind is emptiness.

it's not that i hate the emptiness,
it's actually very comforting.

but every day feels useless to me,
and all i can think of is seeing you,
and my friends,
and seeing the world.

i spend hours aimlessly pacing in my room at night,
because i got bored after the third week of playing the sims for hours on end.

i've always hated summers,
but the emptiness almost makes it worse.

it's not that i'm lonely,
but i would love to have your prescence with me.

it's not that i'm depressed,
but i really wish i wouldn't feel so useless and tired.

it's not that i hate the medicine,
i really do need it,
but it sucks everything that i used to obsess over out of me,
leaving me without my anger and pity and sadness,
and it is all i ever have known.

what do i do now when the medicine stole my illness from me?
what do i do all day now?
i can't sleep.

but i can take the medicine,
and each day seems to pass by quicker,
and it seems like every hour that medicine enters my body,
but it's okay.

it's not the fault of the medicine.

it's mine for losing my life to the illness,
and now i am left with nothing as it has been torn from me.

maybe i can rebuild,

and make my own perfect world.

but first, i have to take my medicine.