everything changes (but we all stay the same)

1.9 // hatred

there is no longer any "you" that i will address.

i have been lied to,
manipulated,
and used far too much.

i don't want to let myself fall again,
into that dark trap called "love".

i feel like i'm the only one who cares in all of my relationships.

and when they get sick of me and break things off,
i suddenly hate everything about said person.

am i a bad person?
...am i?

i'm filled with so much love and so much hatred at the same time;
it is two sides of the same coin, in my case.

once the love is gone,
it is instantly replaced with hatred.

i go from complete submission,
puppy-dog eyes and sweet kisses,
to fantasizing about their life falling apart,
to becoming a sick, disgusting sadist.

i hate myself so much for this side of me.
but it won't go away,
i can't help but feel this way,
i don't know how to feel any other way.

am i the bad person?

i ask myself this question multiple times a day,
and every time, i think to myself:
"of course you are the bad person.
you are filled with so much disgusting hatred,
you might as well kill yourself
before you end up killing someone else."

i would never kill someone,
i would never hurt another person purposefully.

but i sometimes think about anonymously
cyberbullying my exes
and i feel sick after i come to my senses.

what is wrong with me?
why am i filled with so much hatred?

i guess i just have to take out my sadistic fantasies
on myself
with knives and razors
and never leaving the house
and making myself slowly
but surely
lose
my mind.