Gintama x Reader One Shots

Mutsu x Reader: Hostess Club Musings

"Oryou-chan! Marry me!"

(F/N) watched unamused as Sakamoto was once again thoroughly rejected. He crumpled to the ground, fist-mark on his face, as the object of his affections gave him a quick 'no-thank-you.'

"Honestly..." (F/N) sighed, "you'd think he'd have learned his lesson by now."

"I know." Mutsu sat beside her, taking a sip of her dom-peri. "Even so, I stopped expecting the bare minimum of intelligence from him years ago. At least he hasn't taken off his pants yet. When he does that, we leave."

(F/N) nodded. For the third time that month, she and Mutsu had found themselves unwilling passengers on a trip to the hostess club, chaperoning their idiot of a captain, who'd drunk so much dom-peri, (F/N) couldn't imagine how he was still standing. Meanwhile, she and Mutsu nursed their own drinks, watching as Sakamoto got rejected—again.

"You know," (F/N) muttered, "considering how much he likes to flirt, you'd think he'd be better at it."

"He's an oblivious fool," Mutsu said. "He's a smooth talker, but doesn't realize when enough is enough."

"That's for sure." (F/N) propped her chin in her hand. "Come to think of it, I don't think we know anyone who's good at flirting."

"What do you mean?"

"Well..." (F/N) turned to Mutsu, and narrowed her eyes. "I've never seen you flirt before—though I'd honestly like to—but there is that guy."

(F/N) gestured to the ceiling, where an exceptionally eager gorilla clung to the rafters.

"Otae-san!" he screamed, dropping down above an unsuspecting hostess. "Marry me!"

Fist met face, and (F/N) winced. Oryou could hit hard, but Tae was on another level.

"Great," Mutsu muttered. "There's two of them now."

"Yeah..." (F/N) chuckled nervously. "They really are exceptional cases. Anyway, as I was saying, there's Sakamoto-san and Kondo-san, and then there's Gin-san."

"Gintoki-san..." Mutsu leaned back in her seat. "If he were left unsupervised, I think he'd be like our idiot fuzzhead over there."

"Not exactly...You see, when I came to Earth on business once, I found him and a bunch of other guys pretending to be hosts. He was doing pretty well at the beginning, but then he invited the poor girl to take a ride on the 'hostcar,' which was a mostly-naked Kondo on wheels."

At that, (F/N) saw a little of Mutsu's will to live leave her body.

"I hope you know our social circle isn't representative of normal people."

"Oh, don't worry, I know!" (F/N) grinned, and turned back to the table where the girls dined with their respective nuisances. "We know some normal flirts, though. See—Otae-san and Oryou-san are fine!"

"True..." Mutsu sighed, and rested her chin in her hand. "Perhaps the women are just better than the men."

"Maybe...but I heard from Gin-san that his friend Tsukuyo once tried to flirt with him, only to get drunk and break a bottle over his head. She also apparently impaled him with several kunai while pretending to be his wife. And then there's Katsura-san..."

As soon as (F/N) spoke, she regretted her words. An image entered her head so horrible—so unbelievably awkward—she couldn't help but cringe. Meanwhile, Mutsu heaved a sigh.

"I don't even want to imagine it..."

"I know," (F/N) groaned, "he'd give the poor person a renho as a present..."

With that, their table fell into an uncomfortable silence, punctured only by the shouts and laughter coming from their captain. (F/N) leaned back in her seat, and turned to her companion, who was staring stern-faced into her glass.

"You've been awfully quiet," (F/N) commented. "Is something on your mind?"

There was a moment of silence. Then Mutsu spoke, her voice quiet in the din of the club.

"I was just wondering...how good a flirt are you?"

(F/N) winced.

"Oh, don't ask me! I'm terrible at it!"

"Are you sure?" Mutsu turned to her, and a rare smile came to her lips. "I think you're better than you give yourself credit for."

At that, (F/N) froze. Slowly, Mutsu leaned forward, one hand reaching out to brace herself, the other coming up to caress (F/N)'s cheek, fingers brushing the skin with a feather-light touch. (F/N) could feel the blood rush to her face. There was no way her heart could beat any faster. No way at all.

She was wrong.

"I don't believe it," Mutsu whispered, leaning forward so her breath tickled her ear. "I wonder...do you realize just how thoroughly you've stolen my heart?"

That was it. (F/N) reached full capacity. Her heart was racing, palms sweaty, steam coming off her face in plumes. Much longer, and she would melt into a puddle of goo on the floor.

That was when Mutsu drew away, stone-cold mask returning to her face.

"There," she said, putting on her straw hat, "that's how good I am at flirting."

(F/N) blinked. "...Huh?"

"Now, then, if you'll excuse me, our captain is dancing naked on the tables."

And with that, she marched off, leaving (F/N) stunned, confused, and very, very flustered.

"Wait a minute!" she whined. "You can't just leave me like this! Mutsu!"

"If you want more, help me pack him up before he makes even more of a fool of himself."

With that, (F/N) shot out of her seat, racing to grab Sakamoto's pants off the floor. As annoying as these trips to the hostess clubs were, it seemed this time, she'd have to thank him.

Author's Note: Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this story, and if you did, please remember to vote. Thanks!

-Marguerite Partello