Song Remains the Same

Chapter 3: Rule of Thirds

"Better to be hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie."
- Khaled Hosseini

Finding Sam was easy enough thanks to modern technology and some quick detective work on Dean and Alex's part. Within an hour of Dean's reappearance, the three hunters were on the road headed to Pontiac, Illinois. Suspiciously, the place where Sam was holed up was miles from where Dean had been buried. That indicated Sam had succeeded in getting Dean back, but the question was how? And why was he still acting like he didn't want to be found? What if he wasn't okay...?

Alex figured they'd find out soon enough. The closer they got, the more frazzled she became.

A couple of hours into the drive, the hunters pulled over at a gas station. Bobby fueled up the Chevelle while Dean dug into a burger in the front seat.

"Oh my god," he admired through a huge mouthful. "This is amazing." He made a very appreciative mmm sound and grinned back at Alex, which was kind of disgusting with all the burger and mayonnaise in his teeth. But she loved it.

"You're gross." The would-be insult was touched with a certain note of affection and Dean raised the burger her way in salute, still chomping loudly. Alex grinned, feeling sunshine in her soul so bright she could have cried. It was like Dean had never left at all. She could dismiss the months of pain and confusion and wandering; the overwhelming loneliness and grief. Everything was normal again in the span of hours: She was in a car watching her dumbass brother pigging out on junk food. It was the best thing in the world.

Well, almost.

Alex's smile faded as her mind turned to Sam once more. She felt so many things toward him—anger, remorse, guilt, disappointment, heartbreak, love. It was a difficult love. And it almost always had been. She thought about the 'babysitting' comment and wondered for the millionth time if that's all she had ever been to Sam—a responsibility he hadn't wanted, a hindrance to his freedom. And maybe Sam wasn't the only one who thought that.

She glanced at her oldest brother, faltering before she went through with asking the question she'd always avoided asking before. "Dean, can I ask you something?"

"Duh," Dean replied as he took another huge bite of his sandwich.

She fidgeted, suddenly interested in her bitten-short fingernails and not sure how to put her question into words. She was about to sound stupid... but if she didn't ask, she wouldn't know, and she had to know. It was embarrassing. But Dean would give her the facts. So she pushed forward even though she felt queasy. She tried to sound nonchalant. "I, uh, I was just wondering... and just tell me the truth, okay?" She went quiet, hesitating. "How bad of a downer was I on, you know, the family, while we were growing up?"

His hamburger was temporarily forgotten. Dean looked at her intently, frowning. "The hell you talking about?"

Alex got more uncomfortable. She didn't want to explain it. But she guessed she had to. "I mean, it was hard on Dad to have these three kids tagging along after him all that time, and then one of them was you know—special needs."

Dean clearly didn't like the self-disdain. He almost looked angry. "Hey. I told you a million times—nothing about being mute made you any less of a person. Ever. And you were never any kinda burden on us. Period."

Alex met his eyes hesitantly, feeling much younger and smaller than she was. "Then why'd Sam leave us when he was eighteen? And why'd he leave again?"

Dean's frown fell. "...You think that was your fault?"

Alex looked down at her hands angrily. Well yeah, kinda. Sam had always felt stuck with her in high school years and onward, she knew he had. Leaving the family meant being free of having to put up with her.