Song Remains the Same

Chapter 79: Long Road to Ruin

"Love is when you risk your heart on the person in front of you...
often, you lose the bet."
- Unknown

*** CONTENT TRIGGER WARNING: Miscarriage ***

The car ride back to Bobby's? Utterly wordless. No one said anything. In the back of the Impala Alex struggled against herself, stifling uneven breaths that made her body convulse in a sporadic pattern. Sitting beside her, Bobby patted her knee a couple times but she remained unresponsive to the attempts at comfort. She stared out the window and avoided meeting anyone's gaze, accidental or not. Her body shook as she tried again and again to stifle the all-consuming heartbreak that was rampaging through her.

The tension in the vehicle was thick and miserable. Every passing moment only poured more and more emotional agony onto Alex's bleeding, wounded heart. All she could think of was the angel in the trench coat. Is he okay right now? Why did we just leave him there like that? What if Crowley hurts him? How could he do this to me? To us? To my family? He said he loved me. I thought he loved me! It wasn't supposed to end up like this! Was this all some cosmic joke? Has he lied about other things? Was it all some big trick? It can't be! ...Right?

She'd stopped in the doorway of that house as they fled and she'd turned around at the last minute as wind whipped at her hair and clothes violently. Never ever, not in a thousand years would she forget the sight of Castiel trapped in that fire and at Crowley's mercy. His eyes, blue as sadness and gleaming with the hint of tears had silently pleaded for her to not give up on him. She'd forgotten everything and panicked, making to go to him to get him the hell out of that fiery prison... and then she'd been stopped by both brothers. She'd been whisked away and shoved into the car and left in a daze as tires squealed. Cas had remained entrapped and now with every second more and more distance was being put between them. It was strange. Alex never wanted to see him ever again and at the same time she needed him to be there with her right now. She needed him to hold her and tell her this horrible mess was going to be okay. God. How could she love him and despise him so much all at once? Never before had her heart ached the way it was aching now.

How could you do this, Cas?

She looked out the window again and dashed stinging tears off of her cheek almost angrily. Moments of their love story rushed through her mind and were no longer beautiful and sweet to her—now they were tarnished. Now they made her wonder at his sincerity. She thought of him touching her and looking at her like she was the most spellbindingly beautiful thing in all of creation. Her skin could feel his fingers whispering soft and amazed touches. She could feel him breathing against her and could hear his voice low and tender saying things she had thought at the time were too good to be true. Maybe they were too good to be true. In that present moment, it felt like she had lost everything that had ever mattered in her life. Alex thought of how Cas had been so miserable in recent times and even cried just a few days ago before making furiously hungry love to her in a dark jail cell. She should have known. Somehow, she should have known. Her face crumpled pathetically and she smashed her lips together then shut her eyes against another wave of grief. Everything she had treasured so deeply in her heart was ruined completely.

She never would have suspected he was keeping such a devastating secret from her. She had trusted him too much. 'Had' being the operative word. Trust was shattered and gone. A memory. Her chest tightened painfully and she suppressed another round of body-wracking shudders.

Driving with a white-knuckled hand on the wheel, the oldest Winchester was silent on a whole different level. In the rear view mirror, Alex could see Dean's face was terse and mask-like. He had said nothing at all and never glanced back at her even once, but she knew the oncoming explosion was imminent. Sam's demeanor was dark and unreadable as he stewed within himself deeper and deeper. They knew. Both of them. All of them, all of it. Alex was mortified and horrified at how it had all come out. It was the very worse time possible. This wasn't how I wanted them to find out. And yet it had happened and now she was left alone to deal with the fallout.