Song Remains the Same

Chapter 32: Deadly Sins

"Some things are just inevitable."
- Unknown

The fever pitch was fading away and in its place, an overpowering sense of wonder. It was like coming back down to earth from paradise itself. Left breathless and dazed, Flushed with dizzying heat, Alex was left to reel in every way possible. She tightened her arms around the all-powerful angel trembling in her embrace. Her mind struggled to regain clarity.

The two of them were pressed against each other so closely that she couldn't tell which thundering heartbeat was which—only that she felt two. His rapid breaths hit the curve of her shoulder and the side of her neck in little puffs of hot air. His warm forehead gently leaned against her temple. But none of that really compared to the feeling of him still inside of her. The sweet, torturous pressure remained. She shut her eyes and let out a shuddering breath. Was this real?

She turned her head toward him slightly and opened her eyes slowly. His head moved back a little and their eyes locked. His expression was so unlike any expression she'd ever seen on his or any face ever before. Surreal and overwhelming emotions tumbled over Alex as he touched her face gently, his grazing fingertips leaving a hushed tingle across her skin. Cas leaned in and brought his lips to hers, kissing her with slow and simple sweetness. Helpless and in love, she touched the side of his face, returning the kiss. For a moment, as they shared that quiet kiss, everything was right—the troubles of the world were still there of course, but Alex now felt complete, safe, wanted, and adored. She was with the one she loved. Everything was okay.

And then it all went away. With suddenness, Cas pulled away from the kiss. Alex's stomach dropped when she saw how his expression had become clouded and troubled. Something had changed. Where there had been euphoria and amazement a moment ago, now there was dawning horror and panic. As a result, she began to feel horror and panic too. What was wrong? What had changed?

Cas looked around as if he were coming out of a fog, like he was realizing what he was doing. Alex was suddenly empty and blindsided, standing on two shaky legs in confusion and hurt. Cas had taken a couple of stumbling steps back, turning away from her. Alex looked at his back in silent shock. She heard his zipper go up, then his belt buckle clinking. In dazed confusion, she looked down at the ground, seeing broken stained-glass glittering on the polished floors. Her discarded white underwear was beside her foot. In confused autonomy, Alex stooped and picked them up. As she straightened, a series of appalling thoughts slammed into her like a solid brick wall: She was the one who had moved his hand to touch her how she'd wanted to be touched. She was the one who had unzipped his pants, had touched him, then had pulled his boxers down. Oh my god, maybe he hadn't wanted it. Maybe he'd just done that with her because he had known she wanted it, or maybe he'd been much drunker than she had realized—! Maybe it was just his vessel and not him at all, maybe she had misinterpreted everything—but why would—? And did he really not—? Had she gotten it wrong and made the biggest mistake of her life? How could she have let this happen?! She hadn't meant—!

Alex felt lightheaded and queasy, her thoughts half-finished and frantic. All she could think was had she forced him somehow? Taken advantage of him or something? Had she wanted it so badly that she hadn't cared to really find out if he wanted it too or not? No that couldn't be it, he'd wanted it, hadn't he? Her heart sank. She was thunderstruck, confused, and remembering how eager he'd seemed. How could she have imagined that? Even as she wondered, Castiel turned halfway, looking back at her over his shoulder.

His expression was unreadable; she couldn't tell what he was thinking. Her heart sank even further. She wanted to disappear and was too afraid to ask what was wrong. His eyes flickered to her hand—she followed his gaze to her underwear clenched so tightly that her knuckles almost matched the white fabric. Cas's jaw worked strangely and he looked away pointedly, giving her a chance to put it back on. Her shoes crunched on the broken glass under her feet as she did, and she was totally mortified. Afterward, she swallowed thickly, feeling wretched and low. "A-are you all right?" Her voice wavered badly, there was no strength to it.