Song Remains the Same

Chapter 125: Crossroads

"Have you ever lost someone you loved and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back."
- Mitch Albom

While Sam investigated the lower levels of the bunker, Cas and Alex stayed in the command center together. There, they sat closely at the long study table as Cas recounted how he had assisted the brothers a few months ago during one of their hunts—how he had decided to become a hunter and subsequently joined up with Sam and Dean on the road for a case that involved a series of very loony, grisly scenarios at an elderly retirement home. How during that hunt he'd come across John's journal and subsequently found some of Alex's drawings and writings therein. While some of this conversation was light and even amusing, the mood became increasingly morose as Cas remembered how, at that time, he'd truly believed Alex was dead and gone. Naomi's mind control was to blame of course, but nevertheless Cas still felt guilty and strange about not knowing on some basic level that Alex had actually been alive. Even though he didn't say that he felt ashamed about that, Alex sensed it and held his hand a little more firmly as a silent it's okay when he talked about that portion of the time she'd been gone for.

"And then, well, it all became too much for me when I found some poetry you had composed in my name," he said softly, continuing onward in a thoughtful, grim way as his eyes drifted around the table surface unseeingly. "What I planned to do next, it was very impulsive of me—very reckless." Alex's pulse picked up a little in fear for what he was about to reveal. He paused, eyes flickering to hers briefly, betraying his hesitance to confess what he was going to say next. "I—I decided I was going to travel into the past and change it all. Get you back one way or another. I, I realized I couldn't live without you. That even one more day with you gone would break me."

His eyes met hers fully and they were quietly intense blue oceans full of ceaseless devotion. The way he looked at her reminded her of a time that seemed forever ago when he had promised he would tear down the laws of nature if he had to in order to protect her. When he looked at her in that severely loving way, it made Alex feel many things. Castiel had always been committed to her protection and survival... almost at a frightening level. It was one of the most intense feelings she had ever known to realize the strength of his devotion. It riveted her, it scared her, it intimidated her, it made her feel full to the brim with love. His expression flickered and the intensity faded. "But before I went back in time... I went to a liquor store with intentions to get very, very drunk."

Alex felt herself frowning quizzically. "...Why?" Cas wasn't a man—he didn't turn to substances in times of duress. Or at least he never had before...

Cas thought about her question. "I... I couldn't handle how I was feeling," he somberly reflected. "It was like a huge hole had been ripped inside of me when I lost you. And nothing could fill it or make me feel any better." Again, his gaze burned into hers and her heart tugged to hear him talking about losing her. She knew the feeling of loss so well. She had lost everyone she'd ever loved—some of them multiple times—Cas included. It was the worst feeling she knew of. She squeezed his hand, so sorry he'd felt those things... so sorry he'd felt alone. "As a result, I wanted to feel less," he continued ruefully. "Alcohol, as I remembered, can assist with that. I arrived to a store that sold various liquors with every intention to drink myself into oblivion. And then I... well..." he paused significantly, eyes on their hands which held on top of the table, "I had a strange encounter."

Something about the way he said it clued Alex in to its importance. Immediately, she felt wary. "What do you mean?" she asked cautiously.

Castiel's expression showed a lack of knowing how to word himself. "Well..." his eyes slid to hers and he looked many things: tentative, hopeful, nervous, uncertain. "...I think I met our children."