Song Remains the Same

Chapter 23: Be All My Sins Remembered

"Forward's the only way to go."
- Belle and Sebastian

In every direction, the pristine arctic tundra stretched. Snowy white mountains marched along the horizon rising from icy plateaus—the frozen oceans reaching into what looked like infinity beyond. The sun bore down from a crystal blue sky onto a solitary figure in a trench coat.

Castiel breathed in the sharp and icy air, his eyes scanning the distance. It had been two days since Carthage. He stood in the empty wilderness of ice and snow, removed from any trace of humanity. He couldn't bear the sight of people. They all reminded him of her. Of what he had done.

A simple touch of her hand on his had set in motion a series of actions that Castiel couldn't explain. It had only been her hand gently resting on top of his. Anna had touched him that way, once. But it hadn't been the same. Not at all. There had been meaning and revelation behind Alex's hand coming to rest atop his. The instant their skin brushed, her fingers curling in hesitantly—he'd been suddenly aware that he wasn't the only one who had these indescribable, confusing feelings. Her hand, her eyes, they had fleetingly confirmed the hope he'd buried deep down. And then she had run away and he'd had to follow, had to know why she'd done that. It hadn't been his place to pursue that line of questions. It had been a huge mistake. And still, he remembered the feeling of her mouth against his, her body so soft in his arms, her mouth gasping into his...

Despite the cold, Castiel felt a flush of heat. His body, his mind, his every impulse and function had propelled him into her arms where he had given a kiss he never should have even thought about, much less participated in. He cursed himself for not having the willpower to stop it from happening, even as he simultaneously desired a thousand more moments like the one he'd stolen with her in the panic room.

All the jumbled thoughts were overpowered by the memory of Alex's face when he had erased her memory. It haunted him. Tore at him inside. He had taken from her, intruded on and manipulated her mind. He already knew she was against such things. It wasn't his right and he realized that, but what other choice did he have? Let her remember? He'd said too much, revealed too much. Done too much. Endangered her. He almost wished he could erase it all from his memory because every millisecond of what happened in the panic room stayed with him in torturous detail. His eyes fell shut, a conflicted expression on his face. And all he could see in his mind's eye was her.

Never before had his mind been such a disaster. Deep-seated fear endured because of what Lucifer had been able to do with Alex; how helpless Castiel had been to defend her. Had Azazel done something to Alex that night in the nursery? Had Castiel overlooked some sort of tracking charm or blood spell or mark? Or was Lucifer far more powerful than he'd thought? Furthermore, how had the devil known what Alex meant to Castiel? He could still see Lucifer's hand touching Alex's face as if in tenderness. The memory inspired rage.

A cold breeze whistled across the surface of the frozen ocean he stood on, stinging the skin of his vessel, whipping his trench coat around his legs furiously. His thoughts persisted, turning back to that unforgettable kiss. A few months ago, he never would have imagined this ever being in the realm of possibility. Yet here he was, tortured by the memory.

Even if she wouldn't remember his sins against her, he would always carry the moment and be left wondering what it all even meant: the consuming nature of his thoughts toward her, the way he wanted physical closeness, the anxiety when he didn't know where she was. He wondered, briefly and unintentionally: What if he hadn't taken the memory from her? What would have happened with them? She had asked if he had feelings for her. He had essentially said yes. And when she had said she felt the same—it had ignited something that remained, smoldering deep within. It compared to nothing else he had ever experienced on earth or in Heaven.