Song Remains the Same

Chapter 78: Heavy is the Head that Wears the Crown

"She had loved him for such a long time, she thought.
How was it that she did now know him at all?"
- Cassandra Clare

Castiel was hidden inside of a winter Heaven. Away from the war, away from the Winchesters, away from everything. He had escaped it all, for however short a period of time.

The only thing he could not escape? Himself.

He sat on a bench in solitude beside a mirror pond. Spring flowers grew inexplicably through a soft blanket of snow and the pretty little blooms dotting the frozen landscape made him think of her. Innocent and small beauty found in an unexpected place. Slowly, the angel drew a photo out of his pocket—he had kept this picture for what seemed forever now. This was her. His reason. His purpose. His love. His everything.

Love and misery welled up inside of him at the sight of her. His thumb traced across her image in hesitant affection. Could he just go find her now and whisk her away somewhere? Run and escape the hell he'd created for himself and the world in general? He was at the point where he couldn't face what he'd done or the coming consequences. As such, he wanted to elude the inevitable completely.

How did this happen to me? To us?

He already knew the answer.

It was me. I did this.

Castiel thought of how he'd taken her memories—it weighed on him without ceasing. He wished he could take that wretched knee-jerk reaction back. It was close to unforgivable—and he knew it.

He had promised never to do that again. He had promised many things.

Heaven help me. What am I becoming?

Lying. Stealing memories. Going behind her back and working with the King of Hell. Letting her think I ' m someone else altogether. Promising her my undying devotion, pledging to always be at her side ... I ' m nothing but a miserable fraud.

He had heard a saying before: 'The truth shall set you free.' But in this case, the truth would condemn him and seal his fate. It would turn the ones he cared about against him. He wanted to believe his actions were justified—because if the things he had done didn't give him victory and didn't prove to be necessary, he would die of shame and guilt.

Please. Let all this be worth it.

Please. Don ' t let me lose everything. Don ' t let me lose her.

He thought that he could lose everything else, but if he lost her he wouldn't be able to live.

There was no going back to the way he had been before; he couldn't even conceive of existing without her waiting for him, loving him, needing him, wanting him. The thought of it all ending made him panic and reel from a sick feeling. She had become his home and his heart, his treasure among all creation.

How could I have done this to her?

He was no longer in control or confident of himself. He was ensnared in the web of lies he'd created, he was trapped there beyond rescue. Burying his head in a hand, Cas let out a shuddering breath as anxiety tore him apart. The worst part of all this? Alex still looked to him and trusted him... but he saw how that trust was no longer automatic and intrinsic. She had to make herself trust him now. She knew without knowing that something was happening to him. Slowly, the distance between them was widening. The secrets were eating away at what had once been so strong and pure between them. Could they ever go back to what they had been before?