"Such a long time running. And I can't stop now."
- EmbraceSioux Falls, South Dakota
In the front of the Impala, passenger seat side as usual, Sam Winchester was deep in thought and not very aware of his surroundings. He'd been spacing out for most of the ride back because if he didn't stay quiet and retreat into his own headspace he was pretty sure he'd explode in a ball of helplessness and anger.
Imagine thinking you'd been dead in the ground for over a year. Imagine remembering nothing but the moment you died and the moment you woke... then imagine finding out for the year plus in between those two moments you'd been alive and doing unimaginable, horrific things. Imagine still not being able to remember any of what you'd done.
Sam didn't have to imagine that scenario. He was in it.
Ever since Sam had fooled Cas into telling everything two days ago, the middle Winchester had been hit hard by guilt, confusion, disbelief, horror, and great emotional pain. How was he supposed to know how to react to finding out about all of this crap he did? All the crap that happened to his brother and sister? He didn't know. But the worst part hands down was finding out what his twin sister went through. The demon blood, being on her own, the fight with Dean—but out of everything that had happened there was one thing that devastated Sam the most.
What brother could ever be prepared to hear their sister was attacked like that?
And how was he supposed to live with himself knowing that he hadn't given a single crap about her when it happened? Sam didn't know how to perceive himself anymore. He couldn't imagine not caring about that and it was eating him alive.
He also couldn't imagine trying to kill Alex. But he knew he had.
She wasn't supposed to have gotten hurt. Not by him and not by anyone else. Maybe stupidly, Sam had brought up her attack to her after he found out and the look on her face had cracked his heart in half.
Two days ago he'd held her tight as she cried and he cried, too.
"Are you okay?" he asked her through tears and a voice laden with the deepest grief. He pulled back to look at her, try to see the truth about it.
She had wet streaks down both cheeks but was ironically smiling bravely. " Sam, I ' m fine. "
Her words felt like a slap. "How the hell can you be fine?" he asked softly in a stricken voice, trying to understand. He was shaking his head blankly and looking her over so carefully, trying to see the damage done, as if it would have left a physical scar. But the only thing he saw was the weight in her eyes. The weight she tried to hide from him and sidestep, discredit. Sam put his hand against the side of her face to get her to look him in the eye so she could see how much he meant what he confessed yet again tearfully and emphatically: "I am so, so sorry." That he couldn't have been there for her. That he hadn't kept her safe. That any of it had happened to her at all.
His words obviously touched her deeply. " I know, Sammy. "
Her use of his childhood pet name, the one only she and Dean were allowed to use... the gentle way she said it, like he was the one who needed comforting... Sam had to cover his face with a hand as he wallowed in deep grief at everything flooding his mind at the moment.

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Song Remains the Same
RomanceFor Alex Winchester, normal has never been in the equation. Mute since the nursery fire, she grew up on the road chasing ghosts with her brothers and father. When her voice is inexplicably restored and the angel Castiel appears claiming to be her gu...