Song Remains the Same

Chapter 109: Ghost Town

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you managed to survive.
You won't even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain.
When you come out, you won't be the same person who walked in.
That's what this storm's all about."
- Haruki Murakami

They were very quiet as they re-dressed quickly and discreetly beside the fallen tree trunk they'd just had sex behind.

Cas helped a dodgy-eyed Alex back into her underwear and jeans, taking care not to cause much discomfort to her gashed knee as he did so. She then sat up and shimmied into her bra quickly, nervousness in her features and body language. In her hand, the ring and penny on their chain remained clenched tightly as she yanked the tank top Cas handed to her over herself one-handedly. Tear-tracks were stained onto her face thanks to the dirty surface of the skin there. Cas re-dressed himself, watching as Alex pushed herself up to sit on the log and then pulled her socks out of her boots. She stared hard at her socks as she straightened them out and shook little debris from them. He understood that she was sad about saying goodbye, but he couldn't really tell if she was upset about more than that. It hurt. Everything about this situation hurt.

She re-holstered her tossed-aside machete and hunting knife and then looked around glumly at everything but him. Cas got to the part where his trench coat was the last item left to put back on. The coat was so dirty that he barely recognized it. He almost thought about not putting it back on at all, but it would be strange not to wear it. His body didn't feel weighted correctly without it. So he put it back on and then sat down beside Alex tentatively. He noted how she stiffened. "Is—is something wrong?" he prompted softly.

She set her socks down and looked over at him reluctantly. Her face was very pained and tense, then he saw what he had missed before: While he had re-dressed, she had taken his wedding band off of the chain. She was now passing it back to him and pressing it into his hand. "You need to keep this," she said in a voice that was breaking and broken at the same time. "It belongs to you." And then she looked away, breathing oddly and trying to keep her face inscrutable.

There was an odd pain in the vicinity of his chest and throat. Castiel remained outwardly composed for her sake. When he had cried into her neck right after they made love a few moments ago, it had made her cry harder. She had even told him she couldn't 'stand it' when he cried. That was why he was trying now to be strong. For her sake. "Thank you," he said evenly, accepting the ring with a tense expression on his face. "I will."

He paused long and hard, fighting the intensity of his own emotions. It still felt like there was so much they needed to say to each other. So much he needed her to know, even though he also didn't even know where to begin. He had said everything. Shown everything. Given everything. But the thought of being here without her forever... the thought of being cursed to loneliness and desolation here for eternity... it was difficult. It wouldn't have been as difficult if he didn't have someone on the other side who needed him. And who he needed, too. He looked down at the ring in his hand then closed his hand around it, pocketing it. He had promised to be with her forever, and he wouldn't be. He had been assigned to be her guardian forever, and now he couldn't be. He needed to know she was safe and well but after today, he would never lay eyes on her again. His chest constricted. He peered at her profile, wishing she would look at him. But she seemed determined not to. Perhaps the pain was too much for her as it was nearly too much for her. "Alex, I..." he started quietly.

She abruptly looked down, seeming panicked at the prospect of a conversation. "I um, I need to wash my feet," she said in a tight, high voice, looking down at said body part. "They're disgusting." She snatched her socks and boots up without further ado then stood with all her weight on one leg and began to hobble-hop-limp toward the nearby shallow stream at a pace that almost seemed like she was trying to escape.