Song Remains the Same

Chapter 117: Reality Check

"Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?'

'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him."
- George R.R. Martin

A Year and A Half Ago

Sam had only gone to that bar to escape his quiet hotel room and the sadness he couldn't seem to outrun.

He hadn't intended to talk to a soul or to trouble anyone. His plan had been to get a drink and just try and feel less alone with his sadness.

...And then he'd noticed this tall, leggy girl with the sweet face. She was out of her element, and it had been easy for him to see. Even though she looked the part of Vegas tourist party girl, Sam had immediately seen past the shield. Maybe it was so many years of reading people, maybe he just identified with her because that wasn't really his scene either... but he'd run off the loser trying to bother her, they'd struck up a talk, the attraction had been mutual, the connection had been there, one thing led to another... and now here they were: in his hotel room, tangled together and breathless, having just gone all the way.

He didn't do this much and was quite honestly pretty surprised at himself and even more surprised at her—he hadn't figured her for the type who would go for hooking up with a guy just a couple hours after meeting. He halfway suspected that maybe he was the exception to what was normal for her—and that made him think he might be different. Special, even. Not a bad way to feel.

Either way, he and Annaliese were both sweaty and tired and feeling extremely good. Sam looked down at her where she laid in his arms—and she was messy-haired, flushed, breathless, with a shy and secretive expression on her face. She was worn out, blissfully so. He felt the exact same way. He rolled off of her finally but they stayed close, laying on their sides facing each other, arms loosely wrapped. Neither of them said anything... but it was a silence that was comfortable.

It had been awhile for Sam since he'd been with someone—and even longer since it had meant something. With Ruby, it had always been about dominance and anger and frustration. It had always felt sickeningly wrong and dark and twisted which had been part of the appeal—but he'd always felt like total shit afterwards. Sam didn't even count (or like to think about) the string of women he'd been with when he had been soulless. That hadn't been him who slept with those women... not really. The last girl who had really meant something had been Madison... and that had been what felt like an entire lifetime ago.

This with Annaliese... this had been more important than maybe he even realized at the time. She had reminded him that he hadn't entirely lost who he was. That he still had some level of redemptive quality to himself. That someone like this small-town American girl would still want to be with him. That he could still give someone happiness and that he could be left feeling amazed and amazing. He felt like a person for the first time in a long time, and that feeling itself was irreplaceable for him. But the constant guilt tempered his flush of positive feelings: He wasn't the guy Annaliese thought he was—and he was regretting the FBI cover story. But for that moment, he just clung to the way she gazed at him and he let himself feel okay for once in his life because he needed it so badly.

He chanced a smile at her and his voice stayed whisper-soft. "You okay?"

She nodded ever so slightly, and she had the most heartbreakingly sweet vulnerability to her that Sam just couldn't get over. "Yeah," she whispered back. "I'm..." she suddenly grinned and was so fucking beautiful. Flushing all over again she giggled, unable to come up with words.

Sam felt himself grinning lopsidedly back, and it was like puppy love. He couldn't help it—he was sort of in awe of what had happened between them, too. Of how this shy and stuttering girl had turned into a little bit of a wild woman in bed. Wild, but submissive at the same time and looking to him to call the shots, two things Sam really liked. "That was... so good," he breathed out honestly. "You're amazing."