Song Remains the Same

Chapter 88: Nowhere Girl

"You aren't falling apart. You're well beyond that. You're just rattling along now."
- Darrell Drake

At the edge of campus, smoking a cigarette in the afternoon chill. That's where Dean found Alex a few minutes later after calming himself down.

She was pacing slow and aimless all by herself in the bleak, monotone landscape. Dean could pick his sister out of a crowd easily even by the back of her head—always had been able to. But today, for a slight second, he almost didn't recognize her. She looked different to him even before he could see her face. He'd seen her sad, he'd seen her unhappy, he'd seen her defeated. Or at least he thought he had. But this was something else or worse. Before she knew he was there, before she knew she had company, Dean glimpsed her without the protective walls for a brief second. She seemed dead and apathetic, yet still in deep pain. The contents of the file he'd just read echoed through his mind and hurt him on her behalf all over again.

Alex noticed him then as he walked up and she was clearly startled at his unexpected appearance, immediately becoming guarded as she frowned deeply. Her cigarette hovered beside her face, temporarily forgotten. "What are you doing here?" she asked, staring hard like she wasn't sure if it were him or not.

Her reaction to seeing him in person for the first time in a couple months was a little disconcerting and unexpected. Dean took a couple startled seconds to know how to react, then he tried being forcibly lighthearted through his own misgivings. "I was, uh, in the neighborhood," he said, attempting a smile through his confusion and pain. It was tough, though, and didn't last long. Alex almost looked unhappy to see him which was a hugely unexpected low blow combined with everything else. He had imagined their reunion differently than how it was actually unfolding. He'd imagined that she'd be excited to see him and hug him. And instead she was standing off and looking at him in something close to suspicion. Maybe it was just because he'd caught her off guard. Maybe he should have called to give her a head's up. This wasn't like her. Dean shrugged slightly, gesturing a little and chancing going a little closer as he tried to remain casual for her sake. He kept his half-joking tone there, giving her an opportunity to stop being standoffish. "So you against hugs now, or...?"

She contemplated him a couple more seconds, growing reluctant. "No, you just... you surprised me." She sounded really tired and dull, like stringing together words was exhausting for her. "I didn't know you were coming." With dodgy eyes, she stepped into his waiting hug, but it was a strange, half-hearted embrace and Dean could sense her aversion. She patted his back twice then pulled away, tucked her hair behind her ear tiredly and didn't look him in the eye, instead studying the cigarette in between her fingers. Dean watched her close, getting more and more hurt by the second. His family—the only thing worth holding on to for him—was pulling apart at the seams. As if she knew what he was thinking (or maybe she was thinking the same as him), Alex cleared her throat reluctantly and flicked some cigarette ash down with disinterest. "So Sam visited a couple days ago..."

It was a question, not really a statement, and Dean understood the unspoken query: Why aren't you two together? What's going on? That topic was top of the list on things Dean didn't want to talk about.

He and Sam had a slight falling out a few days ago when Sam found out about what Dean did to that Kitsune named Amy. Well... 'slight falling out' wasn't really the way to put it. Sam had been so furious that he'd ditched completely after exploding in a harsh tirade. Dean was trying not to feel bad about what he did, trying not to second guess putting down a monster, Sam's friend or not. He was trying to believe he did the right thing. He didn't really want to mention the entire debacle it to Alex, as his instincts were that she'd side with her twin on this one. So he evaded the truth of the matter. "Yup, we're uh... dividing and conquering right now." ...More like fighting and not speaking.