Song Remains the Same

Chapter 44: Dust to Dust

"If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks,
then I will follow you into the dark."
- Deathcab for Cutie

In the rear of Bobby's van, Cas sat on the floor with his back to the vehicle wall. He held Alex and her head rested against the front of his shoulder. Asleep, her breathing was shallow. She was heavy in his arms in a way that Cas couldn't quite describe.

The day before yesterday, the two of them had sat on the top of a picnic table in the early afternoon, their feet resting on the bench where you were supposed to sit. Birds had been exchanging songs in the tree branches above, a few families with young children played nearby. Cas had been aware that he was part of a real, normal moment of Alex's life—and of his life now, too. They were going to share a life together here on earth.

But that future had been shattered.

Today... she was in his arms, wilting like a dying flower.

The day before yesterday, they'd shared turkey sandwiches at that park. Cas had fondly recalled seeing Alex during the year he'd watched over her without a vessel. He had been so perplexed and intrigued by how she always sat off alone on things that weren't meant to serve as seats: tables, speed bumps, fences, countertops, car hoods, curbs, sidewalk ledges, tree stumps (anything but an actual chair). So that's why in present day, he thought perhaps most people would have glanced their way and seen nothing but two people sitting on a graffitied picnic table, but to Cas, being part of her life even in the mundane was beyond meaningful. In that moment he'd felt that even though all of this was new and foreign—food, sleep, pain, fatigue, powerlessness—he could belong here in this world if she were beside him. In between their feet, a plastic grocery store bag full of candy had rested. Because "everyone in the world has a favorite candy," she told him after the sandwiches were gone. His face had twisted up into a slightly worried look—he had never eaten candy, how was he supposed to have a favorite? She picked up several bright packets. "We just have to figure out yours." She had smiled so much that day, her eyes wrinkling up at the edges in beautiful little crinkles. Even when she stopped smiling the little lines stayed, evidence of how happy she'd been. It had made him smile, too.

Today... Cas knew that he might not ever see her smile like that ever again.

The day before yesterday he had told her he would go with her wherever she went, that he would stay with her for the rest of his now-mortal life.

Today... she was dying. And Castiel felt as if he were dying along with her.

When he thought about how he would be left behind to go on living as a stranger in a strange land alone... he didn't want to stay. How could he live knowing she was in Heaven entombed in total darkness or in Hell being tormented forevermore? How could he face even a single day knowing that she had perished and how he had stood by and watched it happen? She was his friend. His best friend. She was more than that, so much more, but Cas couldn't put it into words even in the space of his mind. All terms and endearments fell short, no words in any language felt big enough to say who she had become to him. All that he knew was that when he lost her, he would be lost too.

He studied her sleeping face morosely and ran his fingers over the side of her cheek. The skin was cold to the touch and the sensation sent grief racing through his body. She was barely alive. He let his hand rest against the side of her head, and everything inside of him was wrecked as love ached through him, tearing him apart because he would do anything to save her from this. Her color was ashen, the strange obscene blue veins making a profane patchwork across her skin. Despite everything, he still thought she was the most beautiful sight he had ever beheld. And he hadn't known true despair until now. Until this.