Song Remains the Same

Chapter 59: Not Broken

"So I wait for you like a lonely house until you will see me again and live in me.
'Til then my windows ache."
- Pablo Neruda

Present Day

In an unremarkable motel room in Illinois they spoke in hushed whispers over the unconscious and bloody body of Sam Winchester.

Dean's found out about us and how we've been together, she told him.

But not the rest? Cas asked in veiled alarm.

She paused, knowing exactly what he was asking about. No. Not the rest.

Silent and barely acknowledged at all, it hung between them: The secret they'd kept from everyone, even themselves at times.

Alex had shed many tears the past year thinking of Castiel and those precious, too-perfect hours when they had been together and everything had been okay... when Cas had been like a human man and called her his wife. She'd woken with him at her side and her heart had yearned for all mornings to be like that. And then no other morning had been at all.

She had spent the last year despairing for him to return. And now...? Nothing felt certain anymore. Cas had barely been around since she discovered that he was, in fact, still alive. There were so many things left unsaid between the two of them, so many questions that went unanswered. Alex continued to hold her doubts and fears inside where they threatened to shatter her.

Castiel, who had at the time of their marriage thought himself a mortal man, was no longer such. He had been brought back to life by God himself. And not as a man. As an angel. He was once again ageless and immortal and forbidden to pursue Alex in a romantic sense. But his vows to her had been everlasting. No matter his species, he counted himself as her husband and was fighting this war not only to keep the apocalypse from restarting but also to find a way to permit their union, to find a way to save Alex from what he had done. Damning her soul by being physically intimate with her weighed heavily on him; the marriage had fixed nothing and he knew that now. But he had a way to remedy things and to absolve her of damnation forever—he would rewrite or rip up the celestial commandments when at last he won this war. Alex knew nothing of his discoveries or plans and he didn't want to speak of these things to her. She had enough burdens to bear. Including him. The husband who had been forced to abandon her not even half a week after he promised her everything. When she had ripped off her penny necklace in the panic room last week in a fit of insanity because of the demon blood, she'd screamed at him and said their marriage wasn't real and could never be, that he didn't love her anymore. It had cut him to his heart for her to say that. He thought he must have hurt her very greatly for her to think those things even for a second. His guilt was triplicate and his shame was plenty—he'd promised never to hurt her, and he had done just that. Unknowingly, unwittingly... repeatedly. Now, things between them seemed cracked and torn. Alex was so sad and he didn't know how to comfort her. He was sad, too, heavyhearted at the thought of the staggering difficulties facing them now. He couldn't remain at her side, and they both knew it. The war demanded much of him. Would it take more than just his efforts and strength? Would it take her, too?

Before Cas and Alex could discuss any more, Dean suddenly opened the motel door with a huge coil of rope in hand. He'd disappeared a moment or two ago and was in a distinctly foul mood. "All right, losers," he muttered peevishly, casting dark glances to both the angel and his sister as he entered, "this kid ain't gonna tie himself up."

He was talking about Sam, who he'd beaten unconscious. Alex and Cas, who had been standing close and touching, stepped apart the second Dean entered. It wasn't necessary for them to do that... he knew about them now, after all. Or he knew enough. The sour look on Dean's face suggested he had many things to say on the matter, but he remained in huffy silence for the moment.