Song Remains the Same

Chapter 133: For I Have Sinned

"Forgiveness means letting go of the hope for a better past."
- Lama Surya Das

There was a soft, steady dripping sound as Sam sat in silence in the old confessional stall.

His body simultaneously hurt and felt uncomfortably light—like he could just float out of himself at any given moment. These trials had made their mark, more than he had let on to anyone. And he was feeling worse by the day. But he accepted the price, and was going to follow this to whatever bitter end. For once, he was going to do something right.

Taking a deep, grounding inhale, he closed his eyes and tried to focus on his breathing to close out his negative thoughts, but instead, all he could hear were his brother's accusations of his wrongdoings from a moment ago: The demon blood. Ruby. Killing Lilith. Letting Lucifer out. And there would have been more to that list if Sam hadn't walked away. It wasn't hard to know what those accusations would have been, either: abandoning the family numerous times. Losing his soul. Almost killing his sister because of it. Leaving Alex while Dean was in Purgatory. There was more, and Sam was overwhelmed by all the feelings that all chorused together to shout one thing at him: you're a bad person.

Was there a way to feel lower than he did right now? Sam didn't think so, and his eyes ached. He shut his eyes harder against tears, clearing his throat and trying to keep it together.

He thought of the night he left the family for Stanford. His first, unforgivable sin that had been held over his head so many times since. He remembered how angry Dad had been—how betrayed Dean had acted—how Alex looked so bitter and resentful, crossing her arms and sullenly watching the argument that took place then sitting idly by and ignoring it all at a certain point. No one had supported him in his decision to go try to live a normal life. And for quite some time, Sam really had thought he could escape from this bizarre, painful, dysfunctional way of existing. But he had learned by now, over and over, that he couldn't escape it. Ever. This—hunting and all that came with it—was his destiny. And yet even last year he was trying to run away from it again. Trying to have a normal life with a woman named Amelia and a dog... leaving his sister alone to figure it all out on her own. Sam shuddered—he still couldn't understand it. His memories of everything were so blurry and when he tried to think about them harder, he came up against roadblocks, headaches, and confusion.

His thoughts continued to drift: Disconnected, unimportant flashes of memories of their younger years played through his mind. Some of it bringing smiles and a warm feeling in his chest, before the inevitable turn to the more painful, dark things. Their childhood had been really hard on Sam. And it had been even harder always feeling like he didn't belong there, or wasn't ever good enough for anyone. That's why Sam had gotten validation and approval from academics, where he could measure his success and be praised by teachers and educators who didn't care if he wasn't committed to hunting down a demon for bloodlust and revenge. He had felt seen and understood in school a thousand times more than he ever had at home.

He didn't understand himself or his feelings, and at the same time labelled himself a coward and a fool. A selfish tyrant and at the same time a treasonous flake. He wished, so hard, that he could have a do-over. He needed to prove himself. Not only to them, but to himself. He felt like a burden. A blight. And this was a weary, tired, exhausting feeling he couldn't carry much longer.

Sam opened his stinging, watering eyes slowly to the dark and dank confessional booth and he thought about his life as a whole. Maybe finally, he could make it up to everyone. Maybe now, at the end of it all, he could find redemption. These trials were going to be his elegy. He had to do this. Had to.