Song Remains the Same

Chapter 36: Can't Run Forever

"There are two things you cannot hide from:
God, and a dysfunctional family."
- R. Alan Woods

Dust filtered through the air, catching the midmorning light coming through the attic windows. The only sound in the cluttered space was heavy, slowing breathing.

Castiel's head bowed onto Alex's shoulder and he remained there resting, just listening to the sound of their breathing while feeling the beat of her heart against his chest. His eyes stayed shut and he took in every sensation, every feeling. His arms held her close, hers were around him too—he could feel all her bare skin damp with a sheen of perspiration pressed up against his. And the reality of what he had just done with her washed over him anew as the feelings of bliss faded.

Cas drew his head off her shoulder and found her eyes waiting to meet his. He felt the stab of guilt in his stomach again but attempted not to show the emotion he felt. He remembered how it had upset her last time when she'd seen his conflicted feelings. And this time he had no right to be torn or regretful—he had asked her for this. However, as soon as their eyes locked, he knew that she saw the truth of his feelings, even if he didn't want to feel them. "What's wrong?" she asked him so softly, concern filling the face he loved so much.

The fact that she so easily saw through him made him feel even worse. He felt like he'd done something wrong. Something sinful—and perhaps that was due to his nature. As an angel, he had never understood what led humans to desire the act. But now, here on earth and walking in the body of a man, awakened to a horizon of emotion and sensation... being near her physically, learning the spark of a kiss, tasting the thrill of her touch... falling into her arms and discovering a heaven so unlike the one he had drifted down from... he understood.

But he still struggled. He wasn't sure how it could feel so obscene and divine at the same time. Castiel worried. Was he a sinner? He thought of the feelings she gave him when he was inside of her, when she wrapped herself around him and called him forward to a small death he wanted to die over and over again... these feelings and sensations weren't simply physical and couldn't be tied to just his body. Here in her arms, even now despite his guilt, he felt connected in a way beyond the physical. As though he were forever bound to her and her alone.

A minute ago he'd told her he would rip down the laws of nature itself to save her from the future they'd seen in 2014, and he wasn't even sure what had prompted him to say that—he'd just felt so intensely, like all of his thoughts and feelings were so close to the surface. All he'd wanted to do was give those thoughts and feelings to her. He wanted to give everything to her.

"Cas?" she asked, her eyebrows growing closer still in worry. "What is it?" He realized he hadn't answered her initial question.

"I'm..." He didn't know how to reply, he could barely look her in the eyes—she was flushed and naked beneath him, it was right after they had engaged in the most primal human act he could think of. He'd made her writhe and gasp and tremble and reach ecstasy, she'd made him lose himself and make sounds he didn't know how to make. They'd found a beautiful moment of pleasure and connection and other things Castiel wasn't sure how to describe fully. But he couldn't bear the thought that he'd wronged her in any way. He was an angel and it had been hammered into his mind: Sexual relations outside of marriage were a sin, but sexual relations between an angel and a human... weren't even allowed. And yet here he was. "I'm... unsure what to feel right now," he confessed honestly, worried about how she would react.

Her expression softened. "It's okay," she told him quietly. She seemed to understand how vast and complicated his feelings were, she seemed relieved he didn't say something else. "I know."