Song Remains the Same

Chapter 122: Hellraisers

"Heaven bent to take my hand; lead me through the fire."
- Sarah McLachlan

Dean sat in the houseboat... alone. The silence was difficult for him these days, as was being without company. He used to be able to feel okay in silence. But he had never done well with being alone. Right now was the most alone he'd ever felt, too.

After Kevin and 'Kyle' left, Dean had focused on the mission and made quick work of scoping out the entire place in detail on the hunt for anything weird or out of place—because Zip being around felt incredibly suspicious. Dean wasn't sure what he was looking for in particular, but he didn't find anything that said My Evil Plan - A Step-by-Step List by Zip. Instead he found the usual stuff to be expected around Kevin: lots of crazy notes, junk food wrappers, and definite evidence that the young prophet was losing his mind. The place was messy and not kept up very well which was normal... but, that's also where Zip's presence was noticeable in an actually positive way. The trash bags piled up outside, the cleaning supplies out on a counter, the food in the refrigerator, the lack of roaches or ants, the bedding that smelled remarkably fresh and clean... probably not Kevin's doing (that kid barely even remembered to eat anymore). Zip had apparently taken it onto himself to play caretaker or something. Dean had to wonder if it had something to do with the tablet... if maybe Zip was planning to try and use that to his advantage somehow... or if it were just more freak-Leviathan-loves-vulnerable-human stuff. Speaking of the tablet... Dean couldn't find it anywhere. He guessed Kevin had some kind of super-secret hiding place for it. And after awhile, Dean flat-out gave up trying to find out where it was.

Emotionally exhausted and finally forced to think about why, Dean sat down and proceeded to worry his ass off. About Sam in Hell. About Alex who-knows-where and Cas who-knows where. About Jamie suffering eternal damnation. He felt slightly guilty for worrying the most about Jamie, but that's where his thoughts stayed. That was where his mind always went back to, no matter what: Jamie Ward, the witch he had hated on principle in the beginning and now loved with everything his screwed up little heart had left.

Would Sam find her? Would he be able to 'deliver her unto Heaven'? Selfishly, Dean didn't want her anywhere but here with him, but he didn't spend too long on that thought train. Jamie would be happy and whole in Heaven. Here on earth with Dean? It was doomed to fail and all he'd ever end up doing was disappointing or hurting her. But god, it had been good while it had lasted. He missed her in a way he'd never known he could miss anyone. Not doing anything to get to her and save her was killing him inside.

...He imagined Jamie jumping all the time whether he wanted to or not. What thoughts were her last? Did she change her mind the second she let go when it was too late to take it back? Did she close her eyes or leave them open? Was she crying and scared? Or stone-faced like a soldier going to execution? Thinking about her suicide made him feel things no one should ever feel. Things he didn't know how to articulate at all. He wished to god he could have said or done something that would have kept her feet on the ground. He was so angry with her even as at the same time he wanted nothing more than to just hold her and comfort her because he understood. Sometimes, he thought about ending it all, too.

He would never forget seeing her body at the morgue. Or how heavy that five-foot-six body of hers felt when he carried her out of there. It was enough to flood his eyes with tears even now as he remembered that moment. The flesh and bone that had been her was no longer her at all. Just a dead body. An echo. The feelings and pain and horror all drowned him and suffocated him. Please Sam. Just get her outta there. He bowed his face into both his hands and tried to get a grip as emotion became stronger and stronger, making him feel wretched.