The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

In For It

I lay there listening to the faraway birds chirping, taunting me, seeming to say "Im free and you're not". I longed to be with them, to be free. I longed to sprout wings and fly out of this prison, longed to fly through the wind, up up up in the sky till I reached the stars. I would fly to every star until I reached a place so far away that I could be safe, a place so far away that I could find Ronnie and be with him.

Thoughts of Ronnie floated through my head, haunting me. Memories flowed through my mind, of all the times I had had with him. Would I ever get that again? Could we ever have that again? No, I would never leave this pit alive.

I wanted more than anything to know if Ronnie was really okay or not. Could he really be dead? Could it really be true? I hoped not. But I guess I would never know, because I would never make it out of this place. I'd be trapped here forever, He had told me so. That much I knew was true-He would keep me here forever, locked away under the earth.

This place would be my home until I was dead, and then this place would be my grave. He would probably still beat me and rape me when I was dead. He would beat me till I was nothing but ashes and dust, beat me till there was nothing left to beat.

"Ronnie why'd I have to leave?...He took me away from you. I remember that promise you made to always be with me? Well it's not your fault you couldn't keep it. What do I do? How can I stay? I wish there was a way, for me to make it up to you" I sang, my voice cracking, horribly off-key.

My throat was dry. It was so dry that my voice was scratchy and breathy, and it hurt so much I could hardly bear it. The warm air hurt my lungs, and the dusty dirt was mixing into the air. When I breathed in, the dirt particles in the air would scratch my mouth and throat. Maybe I'd die of a lung sickness, and I wouldn't have to endure His torture anymore.

I sang songs in my head, trying to pass the time. I imagined myself at a concert, listening to the bands live, watching them out in front of me. I imagined being called on stage, and meeting all the bands. If only it was real.....

It reminded me of the Falling In Reverse concert that I saw, and I started to cry. Ronnie? Oh Ronnie, please don't be dead. Please don't be dead....

I pleaded in my head, begging the world for us to swap. Make me be dead, not him, please. He has kids to inspire, fans to please, friends to see. He had so much to live for, so much to do. But me? I had nothing really, nothing but bands. Nobody needed me. But Ronnie? People needed Ronnie, so many people needed Ronnie. He was doing amazing things, and he would do great things, he just needed to live!

I was nothing, I was worthless, I wasn't important. But Ronnie? Ronnie was important, Ronnie was something, Ronnie was worth the world. Ronnie, he was an amazing artist, a talented singer and rapper. His music, his lyrics, it all had meaning. He was funny, he was sweet, he was fucking great. He was, why, he was the greatest man you could ever meet. He needed to live, he needed to!

Ronnie was the most amazing guy in the world. He was so charming and charismatic, and he was, of course, very very attractive. He had a way of making people feel like they weren't alone, like he understood you. He could reach into your soul and take out the bad, he could reach in and make you feel good, make you feel alive, make you feel happy. He was spectacular.

Me? I was nothing. I was bad. I was a horrible person. I didn't help people. I didn't inspire people. I didn't do anything that made the world a better place. I was moody, I was a sarcastic little shit, and I was morbid. All Ive ever done in life is make other people miserable. And I put so many people in danger because I was selfish. I was dangerous, I was trouble, I was bad news.

Ronnie, he needed to be okay! He needed to be alive. He needed to be.... So many people needed him, he helped so many people. I needed him to be okay.

When night fell, I listened for Him. He was coming, I knew his was. Sure enough, there was the sound of His engine, there were His footsteps, there were His feet. I lay still, tensed, waiting for him. He walked towards me, slowly, deliberately. He stopped, purposely stepping on my finger. I hissed in pain. He grinned and stood over me.

"Uhm, excuse me?" I asked Him tentatively. I knew I shouldn't bring Ronnie up, but I needed to know. He scowled at me, saying "What, bitch." I knew that was his warning voice, but I went on. "Is.....is Ronnie really dead?" I asked, biting my lip to keep from crying loudly.

His eyes flashed, and he glared down at me. "What. Did. I. Tell. You. About. Talking. About. That. Fag?" he said, pushing the words out like knives. He sent a hard kick to my side, and I curled over, trembling.

"NEVER MENTION THAT NAME AGAIN! I TOLD YOU HE'S DEAD! IM THE ONLY MAN IN YOUR LIFE" He screamed at me.

I knew I was in for it.

He purposely fell directly on me, and started pummeling me. He pressed His knee into my gut, and started punching my face. I called out in pain, screaming and crying. But He didn't stop, no.

He put all His weight on my left leg, the one He had broken years ago, and I whimpered. He took my head in His hands and started slamming it into the ground. He slammed it again and again, until the hard earth cracked and fell apart. He slammed my head until it started breaking the earth, making a pocket in the floor.

After that, my mind started to ebb away, and I can't recall anything that happened after. He probably raped me, but I don't remember feeling a thing.

I vaguely remember Him pressing the sharp end of a rock to my throat and pressing down until warm blood tricked down my neck.

He leaned close and whispered "Never. Ever. Mention him again. You're mine, only mine" into my ear, his putrid breath fanning onto my face, making me sweat.

Then, I was left alone in the darkness.