The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

New Resolve

***I wanted to thank all of you who read this story, and to those of you who comment-you make my day and you guys really help me so thank you so much. Now, back to Ryker! ***

I lay there in my pit, staring up at the swinging lightbulb casting shadows on the walls. Shadows that crept around, sneaking up on me, ready to swallow me and send me into the darkness. This place was getting so bad that even the shadows seemed threatening.

I was tired. I was tired of trying to escape. It was exhausting to dig at the walls, exhausting to fight Him, it was exhausting to even move. I could feel my bones become brittle, and I knew my body was wasting away. I don't know how much longer I had, but I don't think there was very much longer left for me.

I was in pain everywhere. My ribs felt like they must be fractured. My spine was sore from being slouched down here all the time. My legs could barely carry me, and I was hardly anything but skin and bones. My knees were knobby and weak. My arms shook. My head was constantly bleeding and throbbing from all the wounds. My eyes were in pain from being bruised and slammed so many times. My lips trembled. My teeth chattered and hurt from when I grind them. My jaw hurt. My ankles felt as if they must be broken.

I was tired. I couldn't sleep down here, I was too scared. Whenever I closed my eyes I was haunted. I replayed the moment the car hit Ronnie, and when he flew into the air and fell back on the pavement, not moving, whenever my eyes closed. I couldn't bear to watch it over again. But even with my eyes open, I still saw it in my mind.

I was scared. I was scared that I would die down here and nobody would know, nobody would care. I was scared that everyone would forget me and I would become the nothing that I always knew I was. I was scared that I would be more than invisible, I was used to invisible, invisible was fine. I was scared that I would become more than invisible, I was scared that I would be nonexistent. I was scared that I wouldn't even exist to other people.

But mostly, I was scared for Ronnie.

I missed him so much. I missed our game, back when everything was simple. I missed being able to flirt with him, tease him. I missed the way he always said that his tattoos sucked even though I loved them. I missed the way he would wink at me and smirk, like he knew everything about me, all my secrets, all my weaknesses, all my guilty pleasures, all my fantasies. I missed when he would hold me at night so I wouldn't be alone.

I missed the way he would hum and sing softly to me so I could fall back asleep after a nightmare. I missed waking up in his arms, knowing I was safe with him. I missed our conversations. I missed hearing him play his shows as I limped away into the forest.

I missed how he would take me to the bathroom and clean me up. I missed his soft, gentle hands cleaning up the cuts, and dabbing the bruises. I missed his concerned face. I missed how he would lean in like he wanted to kiss me. I missed kissing him. I missed feeling him around me. I missed the warmth I felt whenever I was around him, the giddy excitement, the ecstatic nervousness.

I missed his smile. I missed his smell. I missed his eyes. I missed his messy hair. I missed the little tuft of hair that he insisted on keeping under his lips. I missed his lips. I missed his arms. I missed his voice. I missed his personality. I missed him.

Would I ever see him again? Would I ever see any of them? Jacky? Ryan? Ron? Would I ever see any of them again? Would I ever see Janey? Would I ever get to see Vic, and thank him for saying that to me when I was crying? Would i ever get to meet the other bands that kept me breathing?

Would I ever go to a concert, and feel the pride knowing that I had made it to this point, that I hadn't given up. Would I ever see the sun again? Feel the wind? Smell the air? Feel the grass under my feet? Would I ever hear the screams of fans meeting their heroes? Would I ever see anything other than these dirt walls and Him?

What was there for me? Up there? I had nothing. I had nobody. The band, they must hate me now. The world hates me. The world hated me before, but now that it thinks I killed Ronnie, it must hate me even more. Maybe getting free wouldn't be that great. Maybe I was safer down here, tucked away from the world. Maybe I was better off down here, away from their mean words and harsh treatments.

But what am I saying? I can't really think Im safe here. Here means trapped. And trapped means that He has complete power over me. Here means dirt walls and darkness. Here means Him. And He is far more cruel than anyone up there. Anything that the world could do to hurt me, He could do that and more. And He does.

Up there, up there is freedom. Up there is light. Up there is air, up above ground ears animals and sound and people and music. Up there means Ronnie. Thats all I need. Just Ronnie. Ronnie, and Ryan and Ron and Jacky.

I had to get free, I had to do all I could to get free.