The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

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****I was gonna try to get you 2 chapters tonight, but I'm not sure if I will be able to. I seriously, no joke just spent an hour numbering all the chapters in Tragic Magic...*****

The morning was hectic-everyone was rushing around packing up and getting ready to hit the road. We had breakfast and socialized for an hour before heading off.

Ronnie and I had met up with Max and Andy, and Luna and Echo were there. They teared up a bit, hugging me tightly and making me promise to call them soon. I told them I would text them, and we waved goodbye.

The drive was long, and I think everyone was extremely bored, just laying around, trying not to move too much, scared to get thrown aside by a turn of the bus.

It had been 2 weeks since I first injected again-and I was fully addicted once again, last time being from middle to high school, and the beginning of rehab/juvy. I was physically dependent on heroin-if I didn't get a fix every 6 hours, I started going into withdrawal. It was bad, excruciatingly painful, and it made me so ashamed. And damn disappointed in myself.

But I couldn't stop myself....

I was addicted, I was so fucking addicted. It scared me, but I couldn't help it.

I had injected this morning, so I was still good for another hour. But I could feel it wearing off.... I put in some earbuds and lay in bed, drowning out Ronnie and the others talking in the bunk area. They were talking about an upcoming tour and who they were going to bring on it. I think I heard them say I See Stars through the music, but I didn't pay much attention.

I put on a playlist of all of Ronnie's songs, from Escape The Fate to Falling In Reverse, and I kept getting songs that reminded me of the struggle with drugs when I shuffled it. It was like my iPod was trying to torture me. I didn't want to be reminded of how destructive drugs were. I knew!

I finally got through the more deep ones, and let the more easy-hearted, funny, upbeat ones come on. Situations and Good Girls Bad Guys played, and then it was back to the ones that reminded me of drugs.

I sighed deeply and pulled my earbuds out, dropping my iPod somewhere on the bed and covering my face, pulling my cheeks down as I pulled my hand down to my chest.

What am I doing with myself?

Nothing.

You're doing nothing.

You are nothing.

You will always be....nothing.

Fuck, leave me alone!

Why do you hate me?

Why?

Everyone hates you.

You hate you.

I am you.

So I hate you.

I nearly screamed, but I didn't want to alarm Ronnie or the others. I shoved my fist over my mouth and breathed out aggressively, biting into my skin and crying. I was shaking, and tears rolled down my cheeks.

I was fucking everything up.

I would ruin everything.

I didn't want to, but I would, because I was scared and selfish and I wouldn't let anyone know how deep I've sunk, and how I'm sinking deeper and deeper every day, every second.

I eventually fell into a troubled sleep, and when I woke up, it was 7 pm, and I was 3 hours late for a fix. It did not feel good. I woke up in cold sweats, my eyes stinging and my body shaking. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

I rushed to the bathroom and got everything ready, then I injected quickly. The needle sliding into my skin was simultaneously invigorating and disgusting-just as the action of taking heroin was.

When I had finished, I looked at myself in the mirror, grinning.

'It will be okay,' I told myself, 'See, it feels good! So it is good!'

I nearly fell to the floor after a minute, when my euphoria wore off-I must have used a little too much.....

I used nearly all that was left! I had only a few pinches left......fuck.......

Someone knocked on the door and I jumped, dropping the needle. Luckily it fell on my foot so it didn't make a clatter. "Hey, Ryker? We're nearly at Ronnie's house, are you ready?" someone-it sounded like Ryan-yelled to me through the door. "Uh, yeah!" I mumbled, smoothing down my hair and picking up the needle, putting it in the inside pocket of my leather jacket with the ziplock, lighter and now burned spoon.

Fuck, this was it. I was going to Ronnie's house-it was final, I was living with Ronnie Radke. I would be near him all the time. I would live at his house, and eat his food, and use his shower, and shit!

Was I ready? Fuck, I look horrible, what if Charlie doesn't like me? What if B-Lay doesn't like me? What if no one likes me?

Calm down, it's fine, just breathe!

I was a long-term heroin user, so even when I had a fix, I could go about my daily activities with relative ease. I was just a lot more tired than normal, but I don't think Ronnie would notice too much.

Oh please don't kid yourself, of course he would notice! He used to use too! He knows what it's like! He'll know for sure, especially now that you'll live together! It'll be so obvious, you might as well stick a post-it to your forehead that says 'I USE HEROIN'!

No! Stop, it was going to be fine! You'll see Charlie, and it'll be fun, and you'll be awesome and happy and good and it'll be nice! Really nice!

We would be staying at Ronnie's house for a while, then in 2 months, we would be going on tour again, assuming everyone was alright.

I took a deep breath and unlocked the door, stepping out of the bathroom, grabbing my bags and making my way to the door of the bus. I walked out and saw a gorgeous house blotting out the sun.

Fuck, I was gonna live here!

I hoisted up my bags and walked over to where Ronnie and the others were huddled. I dropped my bags on the sidewalk and waved to the bus driver, who nodded to me.

Then arms were around me and I turned to hug Ryan goodbye, holding him tightly before letting go. Then came Jacky, and then Derek.

I don't know why I felt like crying-I mean, this wasn't really goodbye, I'd see these guys again really soon, later this week, maybe even tomorrow.

They got back on the bus and drove off to their houses I guess.

I picked my bags up and followed Ronnie to his house. I hesitated at the door, biting my lip nervously.

"What is it?" Ronnie asked me, and I looked up at him in embarrassment. "It's just, what if B-Lay and Charlie don't like me?" I mumbled, twiddling my fingers.

"Oh, don't worry about that. They already love you" Ronnie said, hugging me and kissing the top of my head. Then he pulled away and opened the door, walking in.

I stared at the polished wood floor for a while before stepping in.

It was a new start for me. If only it was also a new me....but I was just the same as I was when I was 15- actually, I was even worse. I was more haunted, and soon Im sure I'd be even more severe of an addict..

This is it-a new chapter to my life, a new home, a new life.