The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

Bonus Chapter 13

*Ronnie*

How long has it fucking been?

I've been here so long I can't help but bombard myself with the impossible questions. I was falling deeper and deeper into my mind.

Is Ryker okay?

How about Max and my band?

Why'd my mother leave me? Didn't she love me? Was I that bad of a child? Did she know how bad of a child I would be, so she left so she wouldn't have to deal with me? Was I that bad?

All these things make me feel worthless, I just want to feel that I'm worthy. Why won't the world see me for who I really am? Don't they know that looks can be deceiving? Fucking hell, will I be stuck here forever?

Why did this happen to me? There's no heaven, only hell. We've all got devils, and stories to tell. Mine are scary. There's no light ahead. Will I ever be okay?

Was it because I was so stupid? People say I'm lucky for surviving all that I have. But if I was lucky none of it would've happened in the first place. I survived because I was smart. I knew to run away when I set $4000 worth of fireworks on the ground when I was drunk. Next to a funeral home....So I wasn't the smartest, but I was smart when it was a life-or-death sort of thing. If I could be hurt from it, then I was smart.

I was a hell of a chess player. I totally destroyed Max's ass when we played. would I ever get to play chess again? Would I ever beat Max again and see his disappointed face? Would I ever be able to tease him for it?

Ryker had said she wanted to learn to play chess. Would I ever get the chance to teach her? Or would I be trapped here?

Would I ever hear her sigh in the bathroom, no doubt looking at herself naked. Was she disgusted with herself? I hope not. She was the most beautiful being I had ever seen, and would ever see. She was gorgeous, beautiful, lovely. Sexy.

I loved her. I knew it. I fucking loved her. Loved her more than anything in the world. I just wanted to be near her. I wanted to be by her side every moment of my life. I wanted to be there for her.

I wanted to be the person she turned to when she was upset. I wanted to be the shoulder she would cry on. I wanted to be the one she leaned on when it was late and she felt like her world was crashing down on her.

I wanted to be the one who drove her to the edge, took her to the top. I wanted to be the best she would ever have. I wanted to be her one and only. I wanted to be the one who drove her crazy.

I wanted to be the one who made her mad with desire. I wanted to make love to her, make her scream my name. But I also wanted to be the one who held her in my arms afterwards. I wanted her to fall asleep in my arms. I wanted to be the one who made her breakfast the next morning.

I wanted to be the one who held her heart. I wanted to be the one she gave it to. I wanted her to want it too.

Would I be stuck here until I died? Or, was I already dead? Is this was Hell was, reliving every moment and missing the ones you love? It was torture alright.

I thought that when I went to Hell, I would finally find a place where I belonged. But now, I realized something.

I knew where I belonged.

I belonged by Ryker's side.