The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

Anguish

I sat up in that tree for a long time. The tears dried, itchy on my face, and I just stared into the vast nothingness that is the world. Never-ending scores and scores of ruin. The world, destroyed by humans.

I try to imagine what this would look like if we hadn't even come to America, if we had left the native Americans be. The world would be a much better, more beautiful and healthy world.

I guess people are like that. We destroy everything and then wonder why our world is in ruins. Tear down all the trees and then wonder where they went, kill all these people and then wonder why some parts of the world are so unpopulated. We are a means of war in itself, a weapon of destruction. We ruin, harm, destroy, and kill. Maim and destroy, spreading pain and havoc wherever we go.

I don't want to be a part of it any more. I never did. There's hardly any good people left, none of this seems worth it. Give me a sign, a hint, a whisper of what could possibly lie in the future that would make all the pain and suffering worth it.

There isn't. Because in reality, everything just sucks, it all ends in sadness and disappointment. Nothing good lasts forever. Its a fleeting moment, happiness, rare, slow to come and quick to leave.

I hear a slight tap-knocking and I look down to see Ronnie staring up at me. He gives a goofy wave and I can't help but smile a little. He motions me down, so I start climbing carefully.

When I reach the last branch, Ronnie helps me down and sets me on the ground. Then he sits and pats the empty grass beside him. I sit down next to him and we lean against the tree and each other. He wraps an arm around me and says nothing for a while, just sitting in companionable silence.

Then he says, "I heard about it."

"Yeah," I say, "well what do you think?"

He thinks for a while, then says "I think that they are selfish and stupid and they just want a juicy story, and you're an easy target. So they took your story and changed it into some big scandal because everyone likes a scandal better than the truth."

I sigh and nod, blowing hair out of myself and saying, "yeah well, it sucks ass." Ronnie chuckles and nods.

I look at him out of the corner of my eye, taking in every perfect detail of his face. He turns to face me and smiles like the adorable doof that he is, and I just stare in intense adoration.

Every single inch, centimeter of his face is wonderful, every mark, every hair, every single thing.

Meanwhile he's smiling at me, so I quickly think to what I look like.

My smile is crooked, my nose is bent slightly from a broken nose I got in a fight, and my eyes probably have deep, dark circles from all the griefs I've had in life. My makeup from yesterday is probably all smeared and running, my face is sticky from tears, and my hair is frizzed up from the wind, and yet he's smiling at me like I'm his favorite person in the world.

Like I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever seen.

And I'm just overcome by all the emotions. I regret it as soon as I did it, but I couldn't help it.... I couldn't control myself.

I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his. It was quick and not at all anywhere close to extreme PDA, but I still kissed him.

I pulled away almost immediately, apologizing profusely. He hadn't kissed back, and my heart and stomach dropped.

I'm so stupid, why did I do that? How could I have thought that that was anywhere near to a good idea? How could I have thought that maybe he'd like someone like me? Of course not! He'd never like a grungy, ugly thing like me.

"I'm so sorry I was just upset and you were here, and I shouldn't have, I'm so so sorry ahh, that was stupid what am I thinking. I'm so sorry" I said in complete embarrassment. I couldn't even look at him, I was so messed up about it.

A tingly, light voice interrupted my apologies. "Ronnie darling, who's this?" She spoke as if she was in a quiet room, a museum perhaps. She spoke as if she was telling a secret, low and quiet, brimming with contained excitement. Her voice alone had the power to transfix you, hypnotize you.

I looked up to see the most magnificent female creature you could ever imagine. Porcelain skin, ivory complexion, and divine golden hair that seemed to contain the bright beauty of the sun in a slightly less powerful way. Her eyes were clear blue, like the wondrous blues of the Bermuda beaches, and her lips were round and pursed as if she was about to burst with excitement, with the pinkest color you could imagine.

Whoever she was, she greatly surpassed anything I could do with myself, and I found myself to be greatly intimidated by her overpowering beauty.

She looked at me curiously, with a slight disdain in her eyes. She was obviously sizing me up, so I got off the ground and stood tall, nodding to her.

Ronnie seemed to snap out of his shocked silence, and he said "Daisy, this is Ryker, she's one of our merch girls. Ryker, this is Daisy," he paused, giving me an uncomfortable look, "my girlfriend."

I nearly choked on air. Girlfriend? For how long? How-what?

"Yes, for a dear 2 weeks, my baby Ronnie" the girl, Daisy I suppose, tingled softly.

If you can imagine one of those fairies that people draw, all beautiful and magnificent, and imagined how they sounded, that was close to the magic of Daisy's voice.

"Oh, uh, con-congratulations" I choked out.

My heart sunk into my knees, and my stomach dropped to my toes. My eyes were getting moist again, I needed to get out of there fast.

"Right, well I have work to do" I said quickly, stumbling over my words and then speed-walking away. Once I reached the buses I started to run, tears brimming and falling from my eyes.

I can't believe this, that must have been why he stopped that game of ours.

And there I was making a bloody big fool of myself whilst he was out galavanting with his new girlfriend. Who I could never compete with, no way, no how.

I ran past Janey in a hurry, but she saw me and called after me "Ryker? Oh Ryker what's wrong?"

I ran into the bus and burst into the big room, throwing myself on the bed in tears.

She came in quickly and sat next to me, putting a hand on my shoulder.

"What's wrong dearie?" she said, concern thick in her voice.

I sat up and looked at her through the tears, blubbering, "there I was, making a bloody fool of myself, when she shows up, the beautiful wench."

"Who showed up?" she asked, brushing hair from my wet face.

"He-her! D-Daisy, his girlfriend. He-he h-has a girl-girl-ah-girlfriend" I cried, stumbling over my words and choking on my tears.

"Oh-oh my. Oh honey" she said softly, and pulled me into her chest.

I hugged her and cried into her shoulder, shaking.

While I was having trouble breathing, he was probably out snogging his new girlfriend, the bloody beauty.

All this time I was falling for him, and fooling myself, thinking he could like someone like me. Thinking maybe he felt the same way, when all this time he had this beautiful girl, this wondrous, magnificent girl. I should have known better.