The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

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**** yeah I know I know, I'm horrible and evil and you hate me. But I have the power to change it, so you can't kill me cause then it'll stay like this forever.....I'm sorry ahh****

I felt an immediate, intense slew of negative feelings for a split second. I felt Him, heard Him, saw my family, saw Pat, saw all the bad things.

I felt the disappointment that Ronnie would feel when he found out, as no doubt he would eventually find out...I saw the pain, the disappointment in his eyes as he looked at my pathetic body, covered in syringe marks....and if I overdosed........I don't want to put him through all that.

But I can't stop myself.

I felt all the bad weighing down on me.

And then, in a steady rolling of fog, the nothingness covered me. Thats the thing with heroin-it doesn't make you trip necessarily, not for me at least.

Maybe if you buy from a bad dealer and it's not pure, but black tar or something like that, and it has other stuff mixed in, then you may trip balls. But for me, with the pure heroin, it wasn't a trip. It was just this intense nothingness.

That's why it felt so good initially-because there was no fear, no stress, no worry. It just all fell away. There was just nothing. You forgot everything, and in forgetting everything you forget the bad.

That's why it was so addicting. Because once you feel the nothingness, when you come back down, the somethingness, the everything, it all seems even more unbearable because you've discovered that you can get rid of it. And that's how the addiction forms.

One time and bam you feel like you need it, feel as if your body depends on it. Ive heard of stories of people who've done it once and not had a problem with never doing it again. But I wasn't so lucky.

It felt like everything was going by so fast in my eyes, whereas I was just moving slowly. I managed to pull the jacket back on and clip the belt around my waist after a few tries.

The world was moving in fast forward, but it was choppy, like a film that was missing a few pictures, so between every image there was a blur of blank nothing.

I put the needle and packet in my pants, and I threw out the spoon and water bottle, not in the mood to get my pants wet trying to hide them.

I grabbed onto the dumpster and pulled myself up, then I started stumbling around like a newborn baby deer trying out new legs.

I wandered around town for a bit, just looking around, staring at the sky. Then I felt jerking movements in my stomach. I stumbled to a trash bin and hurled, coughing and spitting the leftovers from my mouth into the bin.

I stood up and wiped my mouth on the back of my hand, apologetically looking over at the couple I had no doubt interrupted and ruined the mood for with my puking.

I don't know how long I was out, just wandering, but I eventually ran into Echo and Andy. By now I was starting to remember stuff, and I felt like I shouldn't be near them.

But it was too late, they had noticed me, and Andy waved me over. I considered pretending I hadn't seen and walking away, but I had stared right at them so it would've been hard to play that one off.

"Hey, Ryker right? Can you tell Ronnie something for me?" Andy asked me, and I shook my head.

I felt kind of funny, off....

I guess I was coming down from it. I hadn't taken that much, so it would make sense for it to not last as long...but still.....

This didn't feel normal.

I tried to talk, but when I opened my mouth all I heard was a garbled mess of syllables.

Then, their faces started to blur. I couldn't see very clearly even more, even on terms of being on heroin.

I must have fallen then, because next thing I know my vision is sideways and all I can see are feet.

My eyes fluttered and closed.

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When I woke up, I felt a wetness on my head and a warm grip on my hand.

I struggled to sit up, but I was gently pushed back. "Just lay back and rest" a soothing voice whispered to me, and I drifted back under....

Ronnie, I'm so sorry Ronnie.......

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This time, I had no problem opening my eyes, and I stared up at the ceiling, feeling horrible. Every part of me hurt, and I can't tell if it was from the fall, or from coming down from the heroin, or if it was my guilt physically hurting me. Probably a mix of all one.

I didn't want to look at Ronnie, I felt so horrible, and not only because of the physical dependence I had already developed for heroin. It was because I felt like I betrayed him.....how disappointed he would be when he found out, it ruined me.

After a while, I let my eyes slide over to see Max sitting in the chair.

I cleared my throat and leaned up on my elbows.

I almost wanted to say something to him. Just one word....one word and it could end...........

Don't you dare.

Don't do it.

Ill kill you.

Don't do it!

No.

It'll make you feel worse.

Heroin is good.

Ronnie is bad.

If you tell him, you'll lose him.

They'll never trust you again.

They'll leave you......

I started to open my mouth.

NO!

Don't do it!

Don't do it!!

No! I said no!

Don't do it!

My throat closed up, and I started choking on my words.

I couldn't get them out.

I couldn't fight with the badness in my mind....

I swallowed and wet my throat, and then I started again. "Hey, Max, can I ask you something........" I started out.

He looked up and nodded to me.

"Do you ever want to do drugs again?" I asked, turning red in shame.

"Yes, sometimes. But I promised Ronnie. And Id never do that to him, he's only just started to trust me fully again and feel like I was safe. I couldn't do that to him" Max said.

My stomach twisted in knots and my throat closed up.

I was a terrible person, wasn't I?

I'm......Its going to ruin Ronnie when he finds out......