The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

Pain

**** Edit: I am in no way saying that it is the victims fault that rape and abuse happens. It is not their fault, nothing they wore or did puts them to blame for it happening. I'm simply trying to show the psyche of typical abuse victims, as they blame themselves. I do not agree with it. Do not think that Ryker's thoughts and viewpoints are mine. ****

I stumbled back through the woods, aching everywhere. The punishment, well, it was nothing new to me, but it still hurt beyond belief. What hurt the most though, was the knowledge that this was gonna keep happening to me, every day, until I died.

And by die I mean when He gets bored of me and kills me. I had known this ever since it started, but I had thought that when I got out I might finally be able to live freely. And yet here He was, back again, back for more of me.

I had finally thought I would be okay, and then He had creeped up on me when I was finally not expecting it. He had snatched me, and then He had let me live in fear for weeks before showing up again just when I thought I was safe.

And now He would torture me with His malicious nature, imprison me with Him, make me squirm and hate myself again. He'd make my life living hell again. I would never be free of Him, He'd torture me forever.

Would I ever be free? Would I ever be able to live without having to look over my shoulder in fear every moment? Would I ever get to be happy? Would I ever be safe?

As long as He was here, I damn well wouldn't be. But what could I do, he overpowered me in every way. I hadn't really worked out in a while, and I was losing my muscle. What was the point in doing anything anymore? No matter what, the day would always end with Him. I could never escape Him.

"See you tomorrow muffin" echoed in my head over and over again, the last words He said to me before letting me go. Not forever, just until tonight. I had been gone all night, with Him, in the woods, while He did unspeakable things to me. I couldn't even let myself think about it. It was repulsive and terrifying.

I hurled into the grass beside me, emptying the last of the things in my stomach. I felt sick, I couldn't eat, and I wouldn't have even if I could. I was disgusting, I let Him do things to me, I was repulsive and ugly and horrible. I didn't deserve happiness, that's why I never got it.

Janey found me limping around and rushed over. "Oh Ryker, I've been looking everywhere for you! I was so worried someone had snatched you! You didn't come home last night, did you?" She said, concern in her soft voice.

"I-I-I was er, with an old, uh, with someone from my past" I said, trying to avoid specifics.

I couldn't tell her the truth, but I would not call Him, in all His disgusting horror, a friend.

"Oh! Oh darling that's wonderful, I'm so glad for you! This will help you, I'm sure it will! That's wonderful hon, oh" she said, obviously very happy for me. If only she knew what had really happened last night. She sure as hell wouldn't be so happy.

She looked like she was a second away from clapping in joy.

I think she thought I was a bit hungover, but I didn't correct her, instead letting her help me back to the bus. "I-I can get dressed myself, thanks Janey" I said, and sighed as she walked out.

I took off my shirt and looked in the mirror at all the bruises forming on my stomach and sides. I shook my head in disgust and quickly put on one of my big oversized shirts. No showing skin anymore, not with Him after me.

I took off my pants, wincing every time they caught onto my sore skin, scratching and rubbing against the bruises. I attempted to put on some pants, but it was so painful, I just couldn't handle the tight material around my upper legs.

Damn Him for doing this to me.

Damn me for letting Him.

I groaned and finally found some loose-fitting pants with softer material, and stared at my reflection with teary eyes and a disgusted frown.

I looked awful. I felt awful. I was awful.

This would be my new life, this is how every day would go, until I was dead. I would be beaten and raped until the end of my days. And I couldn't tell a soul, because if I did, they would surely be killed. It would be my secret, one I would take to my grave.

I would keep this locked deep inside, not letting anyone find out.