The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

READ THE SEPARATE BOOK

Morgan came in with a wheelchair for me, but I shook my head. I was too nervous to talk. But I wanted to walk. I didn't want to let Him see me down. I would stand tall when He was fucking pulled from the pit. I wouldn't let Him see how much He hurt me.

I think Reid understood, in a way, and he nudged Morgan and he let it go. Ronnie held my hand and helped me out of the bed. Tanisha took out the IV's from my arm helped me into some shoes. I set my feet on the floor and rocked forward, holding Ronnie's waist and walking out of the hospital. Hotchner led me to his SUV and Ronnie and I got in the back.

I directed him to the forest, and too soon he was parking and they were getting out and I couldn't move, I was stuck in place. All I could see was His smirk and His glowing eyes and He was dragging me, His hands clamped so tightly around my throat that I couldn't make a sound, I couldn't breathe.

And I was screaming, and I couldn't tell what was what, who was who. A hand on my shoulder and I was back in His clutches, back to His grip, and His hands are wrapped around my neck and I couldn't move, His legs pinned me down and my head was bleeding and I was screaming but no one would help me, no one would hear me.

I curled myself up in a ball, pulling my knees up to my chest and rocking, screaming, squeezing my head in my hands. God damnit, get out! Get out! It's not real, it's not real, not anymore. It's not real, it's not real, it's not real.

But it was real, maybe it is real now, maybe it's all in my head, or maybe it's really happening now. I don't know anymore. I don't know anything.

But a softness on my cheek and I remember, that's not true, that's not true. I know one thing. I know Ronnie. I know how I feel about him.

But I don't know how he feels about me.......no that's bullshit, he, he loves me. Or likes me at-least. But does he really? Yes, of course! No, you're too ugly for someone to like. He doesn't like you, he hates you. You're disgusting, hideous, horrific. You're a bad person, you're a horrible person. No, no that's not true! He likes me, he does. He really does....

That's what He said too, remember? You fucking idiot! He used to say that, right before, and right after He hit you. You think He meant it? No, He didn't! And Ronnie doesn't mean it either.

No, no, damnit no! Ronnie is nothing like Him! Ronnie's nothing like Him! Nothing! Not even close! Don't fucking compare them, they're nothing alike! He's a monster! And Ronnie, Ronnie's good! Ronnie is good, and he loves me! Ronnie is good, he's good...

Ronnie is not Him, He's not, and He never will be. He is bad, He is a shithead. He is a fucking fucktwat. Ronnie, Ronnie is amazing. Ronnie is wonderful. Ronnie is kind, Ronnie is sweet, Ronnie is the best thing I could ever ask for.

Ronnie loves me! Ronnie-Ronnie loves me. Ronnie, he does.

I can trust him, I can trust him. Ronnie is good. Ronnie loves me.

I felt someone shake me softly, touch me sweetly, softly. It couldn't be Him. I knew it wasn't Him. It was much too nice to be His.

I lifted my head slowly, my vision clearing until I saw only the car, no longer flashbacks. It was just Ronnie's beautiful face staring at me, his eyes moist, brimming with tears. He looked at me with such sorry, it made me feel guilty. I was putting him through this, why was I putting him through this? I was horrible. I was a horrid person, torturing him like this. He doesn't deserve it, he doesn't.

I found myself staring out at 5 concerned faces. "I-I, I...I...I-" I tried to say, but I couldn't say anything. I couldn't get words out. I was embarrassed, uncomfortable, and I was scared. Once again I was scared. He controlled me. He always has, ever since I met Him. And He always will. He haunts me forever. He always will.

Ronnie didn't say anything, he just helped me out and pulled me into a hug. I hid my face in his chest and shock, silently crying.

I don't know how I can face Him, I'm already a bloody mess and I haven't even stepped foot in the forest yet.