The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

Bonus Chapter 2

*Ronnie*

I don't know what time is. Here, wherever it is that I am, there is no way to tell time. It feels as if time does not exist. I have all the time and none at all. It is strange, scary.

There's a saying that goes something like this: 'monsters don't live under your bed or in your closet, they live inside your head'. Here, I know it to be true. I'm away from the world, I have no closet, no bed for monsters to hide in. But still the monsters lurk. I understand now. The monsters, they're the voices in your head. No matter where you go you can't escape them. They're always with you.......always..

I realized more so than ever before just how haunted I was. I was just a boy who misses his brother, just a boy who hates his mother. Where is she now? Does she even know who I am? Does she miss me? Does she watch interviews of my band just to feel closer to me in some way. Is she still alive?

I don't care. She can fucking suck a dick for all I care. I spent many years of my childhood stepping on all the cracks in the sidewalk, hoping her back would crack and she'd know it was from me. The day she fucking walked out on me, on us, that was the day I knew how shitty the world could be. She's the reason I started to do all the stupid stuff, the reason I hated the world.

Every time I did drugs it helped me forget about her. So I did drugs, mixed them, had some friends that I later learned weren't real friends, and I fucking did a lot of bad shit. I fucked up, I know. But I did my time. It wasn't fair, they forced me to take a deal. I know I shouldn't have gone, but my friend was in trouble. I didn't know that people had brought guns. I just knew I needed to protect my friend.

Then they betrayed me. But I won't narc on them even if they narc on me. I didn't do anything but go to support my friend. And I got in trouble for that shit. But I made it through. I can't believe it, but I made it through.

Hell, I even made it to the top, and Im damn right not gonna fall off. I can't believe I got this far, but Im not gonna fuck it up again.

But a part of me, did sort of yearn for my mother, reach out for her, miss her. I didn't let it control me though. I ignored it while it festered inside of me. I buried it with my anger, my hatred for her.

And my dad, he didn't leave us. But he wasn't really all there. He was high a lot, so I had no choice but to raise myself alone. And I know I didn't do that good of a job, but looking where I am now, Im getting better. I am not a monster, I am just a man. And I'm doing all that I can to be better.

I had a successful band, and I led a clean, healthy life. And my problems are the reason I've gotten this far. I was clean, I was helping my fans that are going through a struggle and who relate to me and my struggles. I pour my heart and soul in every line of my songs.

And I found a girl. I found a girl who didn't want me for fame. Who didn't want me for attention. I found someone who just liked to be around me, who got flustered when I was around. I found someone who cared about me, me the man, and me the lead singer. She loved every part of me. She loved me for all my good qualities, and all my flaws, all my mistakes. Though she's probably say that I didn't have faults really. She just fucking cared for me.

And now, I may have lost her. I don't know if I'll ever know.