The Drug In Me (Ronnie Radke Love Story)

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****sorry I didn't have time to publish anything earlier. And I'm working all weekend so you probably won't hear from me till next week. And I've got an AP exam to take so it might be a while between updates, I'm sorry :( here's a crappy chapter as compensation that will probably have lots of errors cause I'm too tired to proofread it twice****

He fell asleep in my lap. I leaned back against the bars and pillow and just looked down at him. Was it weird that I was watching him sleep? Probably. Should I stop? Probably. And yet, I couldn't. I was transfixed.

He looked so beautiful, but I noticed the creases in his forehead and the way his lips were pulled into a slight frown. He was weighed down by so much. So many things haunted him. It wasn't fair. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve any of it.

He was such an amazing guy. He was funny. Sweet. Charismatic. He put on a hell of a show. His stage presence is unmatched. His voice is better than puppies. His voice is so emotional and unique, and the little whine things he does when he sings Situations is the best sound ever. His voice in the song The Departure is indescribable. He was just so spectacular and talented.

And his mom leaving is really horrible. I mean, he obviously is still really torn up about it. And he always will be. But I mean, come on, who wouldn't be? His mom left him, and his dad raised him with a stubborn heart, and he wasn't always all there, with the drugs and everything. Ronnie's had a rough life. He's worked so hard to be where he is now, and it's really amazing how far he's brought himself. He is amazing.

And he got so much shit. Shit for going to jail. Shit for being mad at Craig. Shit for his bitch ex girlfriend lying and saying that he physically abused her. Just so much shit. I guess he was so controversial that the media just has to jump on him. Hell, if he so much as swatted away a fly, some news station would broadcast it and accuse him of animal abuse or some shit. It was crazy.

I guess he's 'dangerous' because he doesn't fit into one label. He can sing. He can scream. He can rap. He can play guitar. He can play the piano really well. He listens to rap and rock. He's a total rocker, but he's also a 'gangster' kind of guy. He's just so many things. He can't just be called 'emo' or shit, because there's so much to him that it can't be labeled with just one label.

He is such a great guy, they feel like they have to hate on him. They hate their life and so they hate on others to make themselves feel better. And Ronnie's an easy target because of his past. Being a drug addict, getting arrested, going to prison, getting accused of domestic abuse, the shit between Ronnie and Craig. All of it.

He's just a walking target to them. And I hate it. I know he says that it doesn't bother him as much anymore. But still, nobody likes to be talked about like that. It's bound to still hurt him, he just may not admit it anymore.

I watched as his hair fell across his face, his hand clasping mine loosely, barely holding on. I squeezed his hand, and his face changed. His lips turned up a bit, and his forehead relaxed. He looked more peaceful. I smiled, happy. I wanted him to feel peaceful sleeping on me. I would watch over him. I would keep him safe, just as he kept me safe all those nights.

I wonder if he ever watched me sleep when I lay in his arms. Did he notice how my eyebrows were scrunched up? Did he notice my tense mouth? Did he notice the fear in my face? Or did he sleep soundly, thinking I wasn't that bad?

I loved him so much, and I just wish I could give him the happiness he deserves. But I'm bad. I'm a bad person. I can't give him happiness, only pain. That's all I have to offer. Pain. I only caused pain.

I tore people apart. Before prison, I was a drug addict. And I tore apart my friends because they tried to help me and they just couldn't do it and finally they gave up because I ripped them apart so much they couldn't handle me anymore.

I didn't want to do that to Ronnie.

But I'm worried that I will.

I'm worried I'll get so bad, and hurt him so much.

I'm worried that I'll tear him apart.

I'm worried that I'll go so far that he can't handle it anymore.

I'm worried I'll drive him away.

I'm worried he'll give up on me, and leave.

Like everyone else.

I don't want to hurt him.

But I know I will.