Untreated Wounds | Sirius Black

Chapter 16

SIRIUS BLACK'S POV:

I felt empty. What the hell were we? So much was said but so little was off my tongue. I wanted to tell her how much I loved seeing her smile and how I adored her laugh and I just wanted to hold her in my arms forever. I was falling in love with Lillian Cox.

That was what I wanted to say.

That was what I so desperately wanted to tell her. That was what I wanted to tell her in those ten seconds but I'd already wasted enough of her time.

Je pense que je tombe amoureux de toi.

I think I'm falling in love with you.

I wanted to scream those stupid eight words at her.

That was all I wanted to say. Eight words. Eight words I couldn't bring myself to ever say. But I fucked it up and I didn't knwo when I'd finally get those words off my chest. Maybe they'd always hang on my heart and weigh it down or maybe one day I'd say those eight stupid words.

"So, what was that about?" James murmured when I slumped onto my bed.

"Barty." I lied, picking up Dorian Gray and skimming through it. I wanted to finish it to tell Lillian how I felt about Dorian and his choices because of what she'd said in the broom closet.

Nothing more was said, knowing the subject was sensitive to everyone. Lily shifted before she pulled the curtains across James's bed while James slipped into bed. "Well, we've listened to enough angry French and keep up with it has tired me out." James yawned, slipping under the covers with Lily and pulling her to his chest.

"Mmm." Marlene and Mary stood up.

Mary narrowed her eyes at me before she gave me a smile, "Don't worry, Sirius, I'm not mad at you anymore."

"Means a lot, Mary."

Mary kissed Lily, Remus and Peter goodnight before standing with her short haired blonde friend, who was Marlene. Marlene was half asleep, slumping on her best friend's shoulder. "I think you should woman up." Mary screwed her nose at me, "I mean, can't let Moony win Lillian over."

"Shove off." Remus groaned from beside me, covering his face with his pillow.

"Anyways, goodnight, love you all." Mary smiled sweetly, taking Marlene and leading her out of the room and down the hall.

I was worried Lillian didn't make it to her dorm. She would've hated me if she knew that was what I was thinking about.

I layed on my back, my hands on my stomach, tracing a scar I'd gotten a tattoo to cover up. Though the silver streak from my mother was now gone, the rough edges were still prominent.

I rolled around, groaning into my pillow because I was so caught up in the moment and I should've just said it like I wanted to but I knew if I had said it, it would've changed everything. Even if that's what I wanted.

And when I closed my eyes – I saw her smile when we were in that glowing lake and I remembered how soft her skin was against mine – I remembered how much her eyes reminded me of a dense forest and I thought about how soft her lips were even if I'd never felt them – I wanted to feel every little part of her. I wanted to my lips on every part of her. I want my arms around her and I wanted hers around me. I wanted to make love to her and I wanted to watch her come undone with me. I wanted to love her.

Oh, God. I buried my head into my pillow, trying to close my eyes but I was wide awake. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

I immediately rolled out of bed and scurried over to James. I pulled back his curtains and slowly moved him away from Lily, picking her up and placing her on Peter's bed, since he was the closest. I pulled the quilt Euphemia made Peter over Lily, letting the two share the double bed before I slid into James's bed and took Lily's place.