Untreated Wounds | Sirius Black

Chapter 44

Saying goodbye was one of the hardest things I'd ever done.

I couldn't even do it. 

And as they lowered her coffin into the ground beside Regulus I longed for the casket beside Regulus's name to have my body in it. Because it should've. The headstone with my name on it should've had my body in it. But it didn't. Instead, there was only one grave full. Regulus's body was never found and I liked to believe he was alive but I knew it wasn't the case.

I cheated death and everyone around me was only beginning to pay the price.

I'd never been to a funeral to someone who was under fifty. And as people laughed at their memories with her I wanted nothing more than to punch them all because how could they dare laugh at such a time. She only died two weeks ago. 

I hadn't cracked a laugh or smile for two weeks. Not since my wedding night but I couldn't even laugh at such memories because all I could see was my best friend's body on the sand. 

Sirius stood beside me, his arm around my waist and his head on top of mine. He'd been affectionate to me and even if I couldn't return it, I needed it.

I just stared at the scene. It was like every little part of me that held joy, every little blood vessel that held joy in them had burst. And I'd never felt so empty. 

Dear Wren,
You got what you wanted. You've made sure I'll feel what you did forever. And I'm not angry about it. I'm not angry at you or anyone else except myself. 

Remember that bet we had? 

You won it for a little while. 

Until all this happened and now we've all lost.

Remember our promise? How we'd never drift again? This isn't what I wanted. Wren, I'm so sorry.

Wren, you believed in me when no one else did. You were my rock. You showed me the bright side to life when it was dark. And even if I ruined you, you did the opposite to me, you made me happy. You made me feel loved no matter the circumstances and I'm sorry for ruining you as I did. I'm sorry it wasn't me because with what I did to you, I deserve no more than to be in the grave beside yours.

I don't want to say goodbye but I know we parted ways along time ago. I've just never had the gut to admit we were different people. But now you don't get to live out the life you used to tell me about and I'm sorry you don't. I'm really sorry, Wren. I will always love you, I promise.
Lillian.

I folded the letter up, a tear fell onto the worn partridge. I took a deep breath, placing it by her grave before retreating back to where I stood. I had become so... exhausting. I was an exhausting person and I burnt people out. I'd burnt so many people and I didn't realize until it was too late.

I was waiting for the next person to snap.

Who was going to tell me how exhausting and ruining I was next? Lily? Dominic? Remus? Sirius? Who was I ruining and how did I stop it?

I couldn't.

I couldn't stop myself from ruining anyone because I didn't even know I was. 

And one day it'd kill me.

Fate was cruel. Cruel in all the worst ways any man could see. But could you ever hate fate? It's not something that anyone can control. Even if it reaches someone too soon. You can't cheat your fate because it'll always catch up to you and drag you under. My eyes scanned over my messy cursive handwriting I could barely read.

Reggie,
Man, you hated that nickname, didn't you? Must be rather annoying seeing me use it again. I find it silly, writing to a dead person. To think I ever had to write those words hurts like a dagger to the heart. But Regulus, you've left a dagger in my heart.