Untreated Wounds | Sirius Black

Chapter 19 (!)

"There you two are!" Marlene exclaimed loudly. I decided to rearrange the Christmas presents before I spun around to look at every one. "Here we are." Sirius sighed, lighting a cigarette and inhaling the smoke from where he lounged on the sofa.

"Did you get your Christmas presents?" Lily asked, snatching Sirius's cigarette and taking a quick drag of it.

"No, I had to get back here, it wasn't safe," I said, standing up and readjusting my skirt from where Sirius had begun to hike it up.

"I'm sure it was fine---"

"I was on the phone to Regulus, I know what Voldemort is doing -- it is anything but safe -- for me -- for all of you -- I've already endangered all of you enough," I began to lose my breath, making me pause and inhale, desperate for a gasp of air. 

"Don't worry about us, Lil," Remus said, rubbing my shoulder and fixing my dishevelled turtle neck.

I loved being around those Gryffindors, I did. But I hadn't known them all for seven years and they just got one another – like Wren and Reg and Luci got me.

I was writing to them while the rest had a pillow fight. My knees hugged my chest as I read about Wren visiting Sueol and seeing the bright Christmas lights and spending her Christmas Eve in muggle mass with her muggle Halmeoni and Harabeoji. That was what she called her grandparents. Wren's father was Chinese but she didn't like to talk about her father since he passed.

I was envious as I read her letter, 사랑해, 메리 크리스마스 was written at the end of the letter, leaving me to translate it. After a while, I managed to figure it out from the little she'd taught me.

I love you, Merry Christmas.

"What are you smiling at, Cox!?" Peter called out drunkenly, making me turn my head from where I sat at the dining table. "Mind your beeswax, Pettigrew." I turned back to the letter, placing it down and opening Lucinda's.

Her's wasn't quite as wonderful, considering she was back in Boston. Lucinda hated Boston. She hated her pureblood family and their distaste for her "decision" to become a woman. And Lucinda's mother – God, I wanted to punch that woman – Well, she told the family about Wren after Lucinda had told her in confidence. The poor girl had been through so much.

I was just begging Lucinda didn't come home with bruises like last time.

My throat ran dry the more I thought about Luci and Reg. I reread Wren's letter, trying to make myself feel better but there wasn't anything from Reg. Why wasn't there? He also wrote. He always wrote to me. Especially on Christmas – he loved Christmas. I'd written to him, wishing him a Merry Christmas since it would only reach him in the morning but he used to send me so many letters.

"Christmas carols everyone!" Euphemia smiled, singing Jingle Bells with James and Sirius and Zac. I hated that song.

I hated a lot of things about the room I was in. I hated the music that was playing. I hated the bad singing from across the room. I hated how loving Euphemia and Fleamont were. I hated Christmas. Especially Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve, 1975 was when I found Regulus with slit wrists and Boxing Day, 1971 was when my father took too many muscle relaxants.

So, I suppose Christmas only reminded me of suicide. Who out there felt an intense weight on their shoulders and who else was struggling to breathe? And who had died on Christmas Eve with no one left to save them?

I kept a straight face even as Mary and Lily played ABBA and when Sirius and Remus played David Bowie since I was using a match to burn every other letter that wasn't from those three people.