Untreated Wounds | Sirius Black

Chapter 39

LILLIAN COX'S POV:

I'd flown back to where I left him at least a hundred times in the past week because I hadn't been able to find his body. I sat under the tree where I left him. And I cried and I just wished I'd let him hold me.

Why did I pull away from him when he tried to hold me?

Why didn't I just let him hold me?

I didn't believe he was dead – Just like I didn't believe his brother was dead.

But unlike his brother I didn't believe that Sirius might've been happier in another life because he made my life liveable and suddenly I couldn't breathe or think or – Live – I couldn't live without him.

Besides my constant attempts to find his body – I was certain Voldemort had fed him to Nagini as he planned.

So, I lay in our bed and I didn't leave it.

I knew depression was catching up to me in the forest – I felt it catching up to me and beginning to sink her claws into me.

But I didn't think she'd sink her claws so deep.

I didn't know how long I'd been in that bed, how long I'd been holding in a piss until someone finally walked into mine and Sirius's bedroom.

"Lil?" It was Mary's voice.

But I just couldn't move.

I felt the mattress dip beside me as the covers peeled back. My back was turned to her but Mary carefully took my hand and pressed her chest against my back. She squeezed my hand. I weakly squeezed it back, completely unable to do anymore.

"It's going to be okay, Lil," Mary whispered but I could hear her uneven voice – I wasn't an idiot,

"It's all my fault, Mary," I finally mustered as sobs left my lips, "It's all my fault he's gone,"

"Don't think like that – Lillian, you'll kill yourself if you keep thinking like that," She held me tighter.

"But it is," I rolled around to look at her, "I was there... I – I could've—"

"No, you couldn't have," she cupped my cheek, desperately trying to wipe my tears, "Lillian, you couldn't have."

I think people were just making sure I didn't kill myself.

Because last time I lost someone I did and what if I did it again?

Would I be selfish if I tried again?

I mean, Mary was laying with me so I didn't kill myself But it was nice having her there and I think she liked having me there too.

Something in me made me think he was alive. It was stupid, I know. But deep down, I knew he wasn't dead. I couldn't get out of bed but I wasn't grieving his death like everyone else. Because he promised I'd see him again – he said he'd find me and I mean, Sirius was terrible at promises but... He'd keep this one, right?

I think it had been two weeks maybe. I wasn't sure but it had been so long I'd eaten my hair was falling out and my nails were brittle. I managed to get to the kitchen without collapsing as I opened the fridge for anything.

It was basically empty – Just a few mouldy fruits and sour milk. I groaned loudly, pulling open the freezer to find a tub of mint chocolate ice cream – Sirius's favourite. I pulled the ice cream out, grabbed a spoon and leaned against the counter.

Except I was interrupted by a loud crack as someone apparated in my living room. Mehen shot his head up at the sight of Alastor Moody standing in Sirius's and mine's living room.