Untreated Wounds | Sirius Black

Epilogue I

CASSIOPEIA BLACK'S POV:

It just hurt when Sirius died.

I finally had a father and he slipped from my fingers and left nothing but a leather jacket.

Every scrap of him was taken from me. Not that there was much to take. I mean, I only had two years with him yet those two years were far more memorable than the twelve years of my life I spent without him.

Sometimes I liked to pretend he was still around. The leather jacket that I stole from an old box was all I had left of him. And I felt closer to him when I wore it -- even if the sleeves were too large and even if had been sitting in that box for fourteen years -- it somehow reminded me of my dad.

I didn't remember much of that night. Only the agony my body felt. I remember feeling as though cement was crushing me. It felt like it was shattering my bones and puncturing my organs. And that was all I felt for a while. An undeniable weight on my shoulders I didn't know how to get rid of.

Hermione told me that Sirius must've died for a reason. Maybe that was true but what about me? If everything happened for a reason, why wasn't he in my life for twelve years? If everything happened for a reason, why did I only have a father for two years of my life?

And after Sirius died, it felt like the brightest star in the night sky had dulled too. I'd always hated astronomy. I'd always hated learning about the moon because the moon hurt Moony and I didn't understand how something so beautiful could hurt someone like him.

But beautiful things hurt beautiful people.

The moon, despite its beauty, hurt Moony and Sirius, despite its brightness, hurt my mother.

That brought me to my mother.

There was nothing left of her. Physically, she was fine. Physically, she looked fine and physically her shoulders were squared and her makeup was perfect. But her eyes were so sad. Sad hazel eyes I didn't know how to fix.

I thought Remus and Dominic would know how to fix them... But they didn't.

I did what I could. I laid in bed with her -- for her and myself.

I used to want it to be just me and my mum. I didn't want Sirius to change us. But he made Mum so much happier. Her handheld mine, and it was cold. It was cold like ice and sometimes I wondered if she'd died in her sleep.

Sometimes I wondered if she'd finally be out of her misery if she died. I wondered that maybe she'd find happiness again. But I was too selfish to lose her. Even if she was already lost.

"Cass," Hermione whispered, walking into my mother's room, she was asleep still. I sat up, rubbing my eyes, "Yeah?"

"You've got to come outside every now and then."

"I can't leave her. Mum needs me." I said in a squeaky voice,

Hermione stared at me for a long time, silently,

"When I need her, she's there. I need to be there for her."

"She's not going to get better, Cass," Hermione said weakly.

I shook my head vigorously, "shut up, you don't know what you're talking about. She just needs time, and she needs me. Her daughter."

"It's been three months..."

"Three months isn't much." I protested, "it's not long. She needs me, Hermione."

"She's your mother, you don't need to be taking care of her."

"I need her too. For fuck's sake I lost my dad! The dad I waited twelve years for! Only for Voldemort to kill him and torture me! She had to kill the love of her life and she had to watch me get tortured. Of course, she needs taking care of."

Hermione stared at my mother. She looked peaceful when she was sleeping. Like her mind wasn't full of the rubble Sirius left behind.

"Dominic and Remus are downstairs, so is Molly and Fred and George and Harry and Ron. You have better things to do than care for your depressed mother." She said finally,

But I'm depressed too.

Hermione walked out of the room, and I placed my head on the pillow.

"Go." Mum whispered to me, "you can't spend all day cooped up in here with me, darling. Go have fun, would you?"

"I don't want to," I told her,

"Don't lie, love."

"I'm not, I want to be with you."

She sighed, giving me a surprisingly big smile. She brushed the hairs from my face, leaning up and kissing my forehead, "Cass," she said in her tired voice, "I don't want to drag you under with my grief."

"You're not. I'm grieving too, Mum."

"You're too young to be grieving," she whispered, "you're fifteen, Cass, you need to go out there and live your life. Don't wait for me and self-pity. Your life has only just begun. I've been in this world a hell of a lot longer than you; I've lived my life."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying you need to go enjoy yourself. Let me rest."

I shook my head, lying back down on the bed. I moved her arm back around me and I held her hand, refusing to move. She held me, exhaling, "Hermione was right, y'know? I'm your mother, I should be the one taking care of you."

I shook my head again, squeezing my eyes shut to stop the tears that stained the pillow, but nothing could stop them.

"I just... I feel so empty." I whispered, "like everything good in my life is gone. Even if it was just dad. It feels like... like... there's nothing left. I don't know what to do -- I need you."

"You'll always have me." She told me, rubbing her thumb against my hand, "you'll always have me, Cass."

"Here comes the sun and I say it's alright!" I could hear the music from downstairs and I broke down. That was me and dad's song.

Mum sat up, rolling out of bed, and pulling me out too. "Mum," I whispered but she just spun me around, giving me a smile and I felt one begin to form at my lips, no matter the tears in my eyes. I lifted my arm up, letting her spin around herself. "Little darling, it's been a long cold Winter." She whispered to me, giving me a real smile.

"Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here," I replied in the same weak voice, a smile on my lips though. The instrumental part of the song came on and we continued to dance until I stumbled slightly, falling back. I couldn't help but laugh. And Mum laughed too, helping me back to my feet, "You've got really bad balance, darling." She told me,

"It's not that bad," I laughed, sniffing in the process.

Neither of us noticed them in the doorway until Mum spun me around and I spotted them. I stopped and so did she. She was in one of Sirius's old shirts, a David Bowie shirt from 1976 with pyjama pants on. Her hair was platted behind her head and her eyes were tired. She gave them all a smile, even if our eyes were bloodshot.

Teddy was on Remus's hip, and I rushed up to him, taking Teddy from Remus. "Hey – hey –" Remus protested but I only grinned at him. I spun Teddy around. He giggled, one hand on my shoulder, the other in the air. There was a proud smile on my Mum's lips, though, there always seemed to be one when she was looking at me.

Even in our darkest of times, we'd always have each other. No matter who I lose, I'll always have my mum.