Untreated Wounds | Sirius Black

Chapter 59

SIRIUS BLACK'S POV:

Lillian was out late.

I sat on the sofa, staring ahead of me silently.

I'd driven her away and I didn't know what to do.

I didn't mean to forget the ultrasound. I didn't mean to.

I loved Lillian. I loved her. I loved her more than I'd ever loved anyone. She consumed me. She'd always consumed me and suddenly she thought I didn't love her.

Oh, God.

Because I was so depressed she didn't think I loved her because I was sad and upset but was that my fault? I couldn't help it but I could've shown up to my wife's ultrasound and I could've kissed her stomach every morning like I used and I could've always felt the baby kicking like I used to.

I was failing Lillian.

I was failing my future daughter.

I was failing everyone around me.

I failed my family when I was eleven years old and I failed my brother when I left him behind and I failed Mary when I left her for someone I loved more and I failed Marlene for not protecting her and I failed Lillian in so many ways I couldn't even count. I failed her so many times yet she still wanted me to hold her at night?

I still held Lillian at night.

I wouldn't be alive if I couldn't hold her at night.

Maybe we were both falling apart. Because I wasn't falling out of love. I had never loved anyone more than Lillian and that was how it would always stay. And maybe this baby would mend our breaking hearts, maybe she'd place a bandage on those wounds for a while and everything will be perfect.

But depression was getting the best of me.

And I hated it because I had known I was getting worse for months but I did nothing about it. I didn't tell anyone because Lillian was pregnant and I couldn't have done that to her and there was nothing I could've done so I had let it get worse to the point I couldn't even bring myself to see the gender of my baby.

When I heard the keys clatter and when I heard Lillian's footsteps from down the hall I stood up. She wore my shirt – the Bowie one I'd given her that night and she wore tracksuit pants. Her hair was braided behind her head, her baby bump was large and prominent.

"Where were you?" I asked slowly,

"I was at the library." She placed her bag down, beginning to reorder files.

"It's almost midnight – you're pregnant – it's not safe."

"I have exams to pass."

"You can't just stay out late at night."

"I'm sorry I've got other commitments, Sirius!" She raised her voice,

"Lillian!" I cried out, "The baby! Stress isn't good for the baby!"

"Yet all you've done is scream and accuse me of things for months! I don't think exams will do half of what you've done to the baby!" Lillian yelled, slamming her things on the desk angrily,

"You're reckless!" I threw my hands up angrily,

"And you're so depressed you don't care you'll be a father in a month!"

"That's not true!"

"Yes, it is! All we do is fucking fight!"

"I can't help that!"

"Can't you?! You can't help screaming at your pregnant wife!?"

"I'm screaming at you because you're reckless!" I clawed my hands together,