When it rains in the desert

Letters from Celia

Hi my darling
I'm sorry, I wish I wasn't a coward. I wish I could tell you all of this, in person. But I am. I am a coward and as much as I  hate to admit it, this is probably for the best.

You deserve someone better. You deserve someone who will tell you the truth and that just isn't me. As selfish as it sounds I hope you never find her. I wish only happiness for you but the part of me I tried to leave in England wishes that you will never find another love.

But the part of me that you created wishes you find someone who will stay. Someone who will be like a warm breeze hugging you on a sunny day instead of a tide that drags you into the ocean. I know you may not understand why I had to leave but if you're the Jacob Mendoza I grew to love, I know you will respect my decision to leave. 

I always told you I couldn't tell you about my past but a part of me feels like I owe you an explanation. The part of it that you had witnessed was even too much but I couldn't face it. I couldn't face you. But you deserve to know so I'll tell you.

I'll try my best to but I need you to know that you were the only part of my life that was good. You were the only person in my life that I looked forward to seeing every day. I'd never had that with anyone. As much as I loved my brother, whenever I saw him all I could see was his pain. When I woke up next you I felt as though my life could stand still for a minute. I felt as though I could catch my breath while the rest of the world was busy running.

I never intended to fall in love with you. But I did. I fell so hard I almost couldn't get back up and I hope you'll understand that that is why I had to leave. Because If everyone is running and I am falling, I'm going to get trampled on. And I have too many tread marks on my back to afford anymore. I love you Jacob Mendoza, I will always love you.
- Celia.