When it rains in the desert

Letters to Celia

I woke up dreaming of Celia.

I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe. I needed to get out, to go take a shower and step out of the apartment. but I needed her, I needed to tell her, tell her so many things. So I told her the only way I knew how.

Dear Celis,

I don't really know what i'm doing here or why i'm sat here writing this letter but it's the only way i know how to talk to you, and God i really need to talk to you right now. It's been two weeks since we buried you, two weeks since i stood in front of your grave and watched my entire life be packed into a box and buried six feet under. I know that when you lose someone, youre supposed to feel hurt, and i do. i feel so much pain i may explode. 

My heart is doing overtime from how much pain i'm in right now but most of all, i feel angry. God i'm so angry Celia. You left. You freaking left me here and now i'm left to pick up the pieces. I mean you were home. i looked into your eyes and they were home every time . 

I'm angry at you for leaving, for making me believe you were home and that i was safe and then fucking leaving. I keep waiting for you to walk through my door and tell me to get up and stop moping around the apartment or go and get a shower but you won't, because you're never coming back, ever.

When my Grandpa died my mom found me crying and sat next to me, when i asked her why it hurt so much she said that she'd read somewhere that  " Grieving, I've learnt, is really just love. it's all the love you want to give to a person but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat and the hollow parts of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go." so tell me Celia, Where am i supposed to put it? Where do i put all of the love and the pain and the memories and the hurt? Because if i keep it here i might die.

You broke your promise to me. You said they you wouldn't let them kill me in there. You promised me you wouldn't let them kill me, and it seems you still don't understand that there is no me without you. When you died I died too.

I'm waking up every morning just to die throughout the day. I can't keep doing this Celia. It's killing me. i wake up every morning and think, shit, i can't really still be here. 

Then i realize i'm not actually angry at you, i could never be angry at you. No i'm angry at myself, for not protecting you, for not keeping you safe. I didn't kill Rick when i had the chance and now you're gone and he's walking around not paying for what he did. 

If i could, i would give you my life but when i think about all the pain you went through your entire life, maybe you're at peace now. i saw how you were always afraid, to trust and to love , to let your guard down and i think that if now you're at peace then maybe i can learn to live without you. If you're happy then maybe that should be enough. Maybe t's selfish for me to want you to be here, but my love if you're at peace then i can learn to be happy, I can learn to be here whilst you're there. 

it will take time, it may be the hardest thing I ever have to do but for you, I'd do anything.

until it rains in the desert sweet heart,

-Jacob.