When it rains in the desert

Questions

"Aren't you confused?"

I was startled awake to Celia asking me this question. She was sat on the chair next to bed, staring at me. "Jesus Celia, good morning to you too"
I slowly began sitting up and was painfully aware of the fact that I'd taken off my shirt before getting into bed. 

"Don't you have questions?" I sat back in the bed and she sighed. " I mean I come back after four months and you barely even say two words"

"What do you want me to ask you Celia?" I said searching her eyes. It was a genuine question. I didn't know how to ask her what I wanted to ask her, I didn't know how to ask her why she hadn't told me so we could work through it together and I could tell we were going to argue if I asked that question.

"I was expecting-" she'd gotten up out of the chair at this point, " I don't know, I was expecting you to be angry, a little mad" she stood in front of me with her hands leveled at her hips. But seriously, what did she want me to do?

"I'm sorry" I said, shaking my head. "I'm sorry are you mad that i'm not mad? " I was still shaking my head in disbelief. I mean I thought i'd been perfectly rational with how I had handled this. She was hurting and I was putting my own feelings aside for her to hurt properly, to heal properly. I'd thought I was doing the right thing.

"No, i'm just trying to speed up the inevitable anger that is going to come out of this."  And then I understood. All of her life everything she did, every mistake she'd ever made was met with the same reaction, anger. There was always a punishment involved and that's what she was waiting for.

"You can't tell me that there hasn't been something that bothers you about all of this." she said turning back towards the window.  I was too tired to do this right now. I needed coffee. I pulled back the covers and began to get out of the bed but she stood in front of me. "Celia, if we're going to have this conversation i'm going to need coffee."

She stared at me for a second before moving out of my way. I made my way over to the bedroom door and stopped once my hand brushed the door handle. I dropped my head and sighed. "Why didn't you tell me?" I whispered.

"What?" I didn't turn around.

"Why didn't you just tell me Celia?" I turned around now, "We could've figured it out, why didn't you just tell me?" I still couldn't meet her eyes.

"Jacob, there was nothing you could've done." I looked up at her eyes and then turned around and made my way to the kitchen. I robotic-ally made a pot of coffee, took two mugs out of the cupboard and poured us coffee. She'd made her way to the counter and sat down. I placed the coffee in front of her and she thanked me.

"Why did you leave? Why didn't you just tell me Celia?" I sighed, taking a swig from my coffee. She was silent. "I mea-" Another sigh. "I mean instead of just leaving, you could've talked to me, told me you were talking to Maggie, told me about Rick." Still, she was silent.

"You walked into that place, knowing the risks of going, knowing that you might get hurt, killed even and yet you still went." Spoiler alert. Celia was right, it was inevitable.

"I didn't know Maggie was  going to betray me Jacob." she said, not meeting my eyes. " No, but you knew that Rick was dangerous, yes? And you knew going back to England whilst he was there was dangerous, yes?"  She didn't answer. She just waited for a minute before she realized I was expecting an answer.

She looked back up at me and and when I looked at her I could see she was confused.  "Yes" She whispered after a while. 

"So why did you leave? Why didn't you tell me? I could've come with you"  She searched her hands, then my face before answering. "Because, you would've been in danger, it would've been reckless."

"Dammit Celia, When are you going to realize that you don't need to protect me. There is no me without you and I need you to understand that." My coffee had been discarded and I was turned away from her now. "You could've died Celia, what would I have done if you'd died?"

"Listen Jacob, I love you. More than I intended to but you'll leave. You'll leave like everyone else does. If you get caught up in this you'll realise." She was looking up at me, straight into my eyes.

"Realise what?"

"That I wasn't worth it." She said, looking back down into her hands.

"Wha-" she cut me off before I could even begin to question what she meant.

"It's messy Jacob. Too messy. It will destroy you and then once you're destroyed you'll hate me. You'll hate me for getting you involved. You'll resent me and then regret ever loving me and I don't think I can handle that."

"Why don't you let me decide that huh?" I said. My hands were out in front of me on the counter. "You keep thinking I can't handle it Celia, but why don't you let me decide that."

"I am trying to protect you" she said, raising her voice a little. "I'm trying to do the right thing here Jacob, you think it's fun, you want to be part of the club do you?" She got up now. Making her way around the counter so she was at my side. I hung my head and turned to look at her. "I left because if you get caught up in this I'm going to lose you and I can't lose you too. I'm trying to protect you."

"I don't need your protection Celia." I sighed. "Listen , I don't doubt my love for you, I never have and I don't think I ever will. I'm pretty sure it will rain in the Desert for a year before I stop loving you. When the sand turns into snow and there are blizzards instead of sand storms." I stopped for a minute and turned to face her fully, taking her face into my hands. " I can  tell you right now that my heart beats only because yours does. If you ever doubt that you can leave but I never will. I will be dragged from this earth kicking and screaming before I ever even think about leaving you okay?" I was searching her eyes, making sure she knew how important it was to understand this.

But all she did was sigh. She just looked sad. "I'm sorry Jacob you say this now but you'll see"

I began shaking my head as my arms fell to my sides. "You don't get it Celia. You don't know what it's like to love you. It's like ever sunrise and sunset happening all at once inside my body. It's like gravity is pulling me towards you. Like I'm trying to move away from you but the magnet in my heart aligns with yours and only yours."

I rest my hands back on the counter. "Even if I wanted to I couldn't leave you. Even if I wanted to I couldn't stop loving you." I sighed. I didn't know how else to make her understand.

"You seemed to be doing pretty well without me." What. She found my eyes and quickly looked away as though she was ashamed of the realisation.

"What?" I was so confused.

"I mean look at you Jacob. You've got a new apartment. You look great. And then I come along and I'm going to mess it all up." Now I was going to burst.

"What did you expect to see Celia? Did you expect to see me not eating and not showering and not going to work." She just looked at me, not speaking a word.

"You came a little too late for that love. That was in month one." I sighed. " I was about to get fired for not showing up. By month two Aaron was begging me to get out of bed. Aaron!" I practically shouted his name with my hands pulling at my hair.

"Everyday I came home hoping I'd get a letter, a phone call, a text, but nothing came. I thought you died Celia!" I turned back around to look at her but she was still just staring at me. As though she'd been waiting for this to happen.

"I thought you'd died" I whispered.