When it rains in the desert

Letters from Celia.

After all of that I think I need to start explaining the third part of my life. The part that you took, the part that you gave to me. For my whole life I was so afraid to love anyone.

I know that sounds cliche but you can't really blame me. I mean look at the role models I had. My mother got knocked up with me and Carter and was kicked out by her parents, she had nowhere else to go so had to live with my dad, you know the rest.

As you can expect I never thought i'd get the kind of love you read about, but most importantly I knew loving someone would only put them in danger in the end. I hate myself for what I put you through but I will never be sorry for loving you.

Some part of me believes that I did deserve to love you, that I did deserve to be loved by you, I mean the world has to have some balance right? And although I don't think any amount of time will ever be enough with you, I know that the world doesn't give you too much of a good thing. I know that forever doesn't exist but it did with you. in the few years I was loved by you, I felt as though i'd reached forever. It sounds like such a perfect place. Forever. you look at the word and you think of fields and daisies and although I wasn't that type of person, you were forever.

I remember when I fell in love with you. Like the exact moment I said to myself that you were the one. We were at your apartment. It was one of them moments I wish I could put in a snow globe you know, Put it on my bedside table and look at it when I wake up. You must've wondered why I always preferred to stay in and watch a movie over going to a dinner. I know you tried to get me to go out but when you haven't had the luxuries the world can offer, you don't see the need for them. Warmth was all I ever needed. I never needed the flashy dinners and the expensive gifts.

Anyway, we were at your apartment and I was laying on the sofa with my head on your lap. You were stroking my hair and it felt like Candy floss, like when you feel it in your hand, it tastes sweet in your mouth but then it disappears. I'm pretty sure I was falling asleep but I remember you asking me what my favorite flower was. I didn't answer you at the time but when I woke up I remembered it and realized that in all my life I had never been asked that question. No one had ever cared about me enough to actually give a shit what kind of flowers I liked.

I never answered you, I may or may not have fallen asleep but to answer your question my love, my favorite flower was you, my favorite sweet was you, my favorite song was you. you were, and will remain to be, everything beautiful  in my life.  Everything I love about the world resides in a single person. You.

I will never be able to actually tell you how I feel, I don't think the feelings can ever be put into words but I know in my heart that you know how much love I have for you, how much love I will always have for you.

-Celia.