When it rains in the desert

spice girls

we got ready at around 11 pm so that we'd reach there early the next morning and began packing our bags into the car, we'd planned to stay for three days. I was amazed we'd both gotten the time off for work but we'd waited a few weeks so we'd actually be spending my birthday with my parents.

We both got into the car and she smiled at me, putting the keys into the ignition. She was practically jumping in the seat. This was the first time she was driving with me in the car, I was a little scared but her jumping in the seat was adorable. She really did look like a mini psychopath.

She started the car and we were off. I had to admit she was quite a safe driver, apart from the squirrel we almost ran over. "What, it should have looked both ways before crossing the street. And technically, I didn't hit it so I don't know what you're panicking about" She said, completely unbothered by what just happened.

After a few moments of silence she turned on the radio. Aaron's CD began playing and we died of laughter from what began playing. I mean no hate to spice girls but we didn't really peg Aaron for a "wannabe" kind of guy.

I moved my hand to turn off the radio but it was slapped away and followed with Celia screaming "OH I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT" she held up an imaginary microphone to my mouth.

" what? I don't know the words."

she looked at me with both of her eyebrows raised and sniffed around a few times before saying "I smell bullshit" not backing down.

I was trying not to give in, of course I knew the words but she didn't know that. She began belting it again, " I WANNA HUH I WANNA HUH I WANNA..." I couldn't hold it in anymore. " I WANNA REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY WANNA ZIGAZIG AH" now we were both screaming to spice girls on the way to my parents house. Those were the last words I thought would ever come out of my mouth. "Ha ha, i freaking knew it. I knew it" she said tapping the wheel in excitement.

"This doesn't leave the car, capiche" I said in the most stern voice I could muster. I was clearly failing because I was smiling.

"hey I can't promise anything." she said shrugging her shoulders still half singing.

"Hey Ceils,can I ask you a question?"  said. Spoiler alert, i'm about to ruin the moment. She hmmed back still bopping to the song. "you don't have to answer it if you don't want to. "

She looked at me, furrowing her eyebrows and turning down the music. "What is it?" She asked.

"It's about your brother..." She kept her eyes on the road in front of her and both hands firmly on the wheel. I could see her knuckles turning white. "Why don't you talk to him anymore?" Her breath hitched a little as she turned her head away from me. "Ceils? Like I said you don't have to answer."

She shook her head and replied with "No, I need to say it out loud, I trust you Jacob, that's why i'm telling you this okay? " Her head slowly moved back to the road as I said "okay" as cautiously as possible.

She took another breath before starting. "Me and Carter were always close, as you'd expect us to be, you know the twin thing" She stopped and I could see her eyes welling up with tears. " We were all each other had. Anyway, we got into some trouble a couple of years ago. Some trouble we couldn't get out of. Long story short, I got out of it and he didn't." I could tell by the way she was choosing her words that she didn't want to get into detail. I knew I should drop it but I couldn't help it. "So where is he now?" I said looking at her. I'd learnt that Celia had very specific reactions to different things and the reaction that involved her family was always either nerves or guilt. I could see it in her eyes, the way they turned sad. This reaction was guilt. It was the same look she had in her eyes when she told me that she no longer got along with carter.

"Dead" She said, moving her tongue inside her mouth, as though she hated the taste of the word on her tongue.

I moved my head slowly so that I was facing her fully, I wasn't sure i'd heard her right "What?" I was waiting for her to tell me something that would actually make sense, she'd told me they didn't talk anymore, why would she lie? " I know I told you we didn't talk, i'm sorry for lying, it was just easier than the truth." Her eyes were trained on the road, on her hands. There was a trail of water that led down her cheek, remnants of a tear, But that was the only emotion that was visible, "And the truth is.?" I asked carefully.

"He died because of me."