When it rains in the desert

Letters to Auntie Celia

Dear auntie Celia,

I miss you auntie Cee. Uncle Jacob found me crying yesterday and when he asked me what was wrong I told him that I missed you.

Sometimes I think i'm forgetting you and it scares me. But uncle Jacob told me something, do you want to hear it? of course you do. He told me to think of my favorite memory of you.

Then he told me to close my eyes and hug my body. Once I did that he told me to remember what you smelt like, and what your hair was like and how your voice sounded.

I thought of the time that we all tried to make cake, uncle Jacob tickled me so much and we threw flour at you. That was a fun day.

He took me into his room and opened his closet. At first I was so confused but then I looked at the piles on the floor. There was hundreds of them auntie Cee. Hundreds of letters all for you.

He said that he writes you a letter almost every day and he keeps them there because they make him believe that you can read them somehow. I told him he was being ridiculous but he told me to try it sometime.

So here I am, writing you a letter because I miss you. I'm going to be 13 this year. It's weird to think that I'm going to be a teenager soon and you're not here to see it.

I'm having a party, courtesy of uncle Aaron. He said that it was, and I quote, "mentally and physically traumatising for her not to have a birthday party" so he's organising a party.

To be honest I just wanted to go out for ice cream in my pyjamas like me, mum and uncle Jacob do every year. Every year we get dressed in our most ridiculous PJs and go to get ice cream. It's a tradition I wish you were part of, but it's okay. When I see you in heaven we can get ice cream every day.

I wish you were here, I wish you could give me a hug when I feel alone, I wish you could kiss me goodnight and tell me everything was going to be okay like you used to. But most of all I wish you were here so uncle Jacob wasn't sad all the time. I hate it when he's sad because he makes me smile so much and it's not fair that he doesn't smile as much.

Don't get me wrong he's usually okay but sometimes, when me and mom sleep over, I hear him crying. I think he thinks we can't hear him but we can. I always hear him saying "you promised me" and he goes for walks, for like hours.

I don't know what you promised him aunt Cee but it sucks that you broke your promise because it makes me so sad when he's sad. I'm never falling in love aunt Cee. I saw what it did to uncle Jacob. Sometimes when he comes out of his bedroom, his eyes are so puffy that mom has to take me into the other room.

Uncle Jacob says that you're watching over us and that one day you'll be able to read these letters so I just want you to know that I love you and I miss you and I forgive you for leaving me.

I didn't at first, forgive you. I thought you'd left us on purpose, because you didn't love us anymore but now I know that's not true so I'm sorry for that.

Lots of love, Rory