When it rains in the desert

Revelations pt3

He died because of me.

I gawped at her, again, not sure I was hearing her right. What did that mean? She understood my silence and looked at me, scanning over my eyes before returning her gaze on the road. The sat nav told her to take the next exit on the right. The only sound between us was the sound of the indicator. We'd been silent for what felt like forever when she looked over at me to find me staring at her.

I wanted to say something. I mean I was the one who had brought this up, she'd warned me her past was messy but I wasn't expecting it. I was caught off guard.

She finally broke the silence by saying "I don't know if you want to hear the rest or not" the question in her words, I didn't even know if i wanted to know the rest or not, but I had brought this up. I didn't want her to think she couldn't tell me about these things.

"No no, of course I want to hear the rest, tell me"

She released a deep breath and began. " Well, like I said we got into trouble, the thing is , our life in England was bad. I came to America to get away from it. I'm not the same person." she said it as though she was trying to reassure me.

I cut her off. "Ceils, it's just me, you know I don't and never will judge you for your past"

She nodded "I know i know but it's still hard to process" she carried on after I nodded back at her .

"There was this guy who had information on us, on some business we got into. It was enough to take us both to prison." she stopped letting out another slow breath, trying to stay as calm as she could but I could see her hands were shaking as she was gripping the wheel tighter.

" He was blackmailing us, making us do jobs for him. He told us that if one of us refused he'd hand over the information to the police." She was quiet for a second as the flat sound of the sat nav told her to turn right again onto the freeway.

"Anyway, a while after, I managed to find a way to get out of there and at the time I couldn't go back for Carter." She gulped at the memory, closed her eyes for a second then shook it off. " I promised him I would get him.-" she cut herself off, not being able to control her tears, they were actively flowing down her face , I didn't know how to comfort her. She turned off the freeway, parked at a service station and turned off the car. Her eyes were glancing down at her hands in her lap and then she slowly wiped her tears and looked at me.

" I promised i'd get him out too but by the time O got to America I got a call from St Thomas' hospital. Carter had killed himself. He'd found drugs and OD'd . By the time he was found it was too late. The paramedics pronounced him dead in the ambulance"

I looked over at her and held out my hand. She took it and laced her fingers through mine. Then , slowly she brought it up to her lips and kissed it. I did the same and then I lowered our hands into my lap and took her hand in both of mine. We both sat there for a second staring at our hands and when she looked up to meet my eyes she gave me a sad smile . It broke my heart. Her eyes were glassy with tears waiting to be released, yet her lips still curled upwards into a smile.

The strength this woman had amazed me. I cupped her left cheek with my hand and she tilted her head, allowing me to stroke it with my thumb. "It isn't your fault Celia, you have to know that" it was dark outside, around 1 am, the only light was coming from the lights outside the car.

I felt her head shake in my hand before she said "If i hadn't have left him, he'd still be alive" I nodded my head "or you'd both be dead" she closed her eyes again and I could feel the tears against my thumb.

"You don't get it" she said pausing to look for the words, "I'm pretty sure I did die that day. You didn't know me when Carter was alive Jacob. Despite everything shitty that happened to us, I was different when he was there." She smiled at the memory of her brother being alive.

"We were the only thing that kept each other alive, he was like my oxygen and he knew it. When I left, I cut off his oxygen supply" I understood why she felt guilty, I would too but she didn't put the pills into his mouth, she didn't tell him to do it. It wasn't her fault. but it was useless trying to explain that to her. The guilt I saw in her eyes was too real. She honestly believed it was her fault.

She turned to me wiping her tears and said "I've never actually told anyone that before, when people ask about my family, I just tell them it's complicated." I smiled at her again and moved her head forward to kiss her forehead.  She smiled back and moved back into the seat so she was facing the steering wheel.

"Let's go" she said. You would've never thought she just revealed that her brother died.