When it rains in the desert

Letters from Celia

Celia had decided to leave a few days before she was supposed to. This, of course wasn't a decision she had informed me of. I woke up the day after to a stack of letters on the coffee table in the living room.

I'll spare you the details of how I fell to the floor after reading the sticky note on top saying I'm sorry. Or how I couldn't move for at least an hour after reading the letters. I read them all in one go. I couldn't put them down.

Once I finally found the strength in my legs to move I got up and read the last letter, walking over to my bed.

Dear Jacob.

I don't believe in goodbyes. I hope you'll forgive me for not saying it but i can't do them. If anything they just bring more pain. It's the realization that you'll never see someone again. It's your final moment. If i'd said goodbye, your last memory of me probably would've been me ugly crying. But you always were the baby between the two of us.

I just wanted to remember you the way we were, not plagued by sadness, or hurt or grief. I think, that if I close my eyes right now I can remember you how I want to, and probably how you'd want me to as well.

I can remember you standing in front of me, telling me your name. I can remember the look on your face when I decided to get us both soaked in the rain. I can remember the sound of your laugh, I can remember the first time you told me that you loved me. I can remember you waiting for me to ask you to come to bed.

I can remember how it felt to hug you, and breathe in the scent of you, how your smile tasted on my lips and how your hand fit perfectly inside mine.

You're the only person who ever gave a crap about me. I think I finally understood we were in it together when you were mad I didn't tell you about everything happening in England. You were angry and I really did expect you to be angry, but I half expected you to be angry at me, for coming back, for putting everything on you.But you were just mad that I didn't confide in you, you were mad because you cared and that wasn't something I was used to feeling.

But irony has a sense of humor my love, by the time my thick self realized we were in it together I had to leave anyway.

I wish with every bone inside of me that i'd met you sooner. I wish that we had more time, I wish i'd told you that I loved you more often because I do, and I always will.

I know it was a pretend wedding, but as far as I am concerned you are the only person I'd ever want to marry and if fate ever treats us differently I'd marry the heck out of you.

All my love, you have all of my love because when I close my eyes, I can remember what it felt like to be wrapped up in your embrace, it felt like all was well in the world. When I close my eyes and see you, All is well in the world.

-Celia.

I hope you'll forgive me love, but I thought it was bullshit. I thought you were just afraid of having to face me, I thought you just didn't want to face me after everything. I won't lie to you Celia, I hated you a little for not staying long enough to say goodbye. But then I realized I didn't actually hate you, I never could, but I wasn't exactly your biggest fan in that moment.

I was a total high school girl about the entire situation. I sat in my bed and listened to our stupid song, I moped around the apartment and ate ice cream, I even watched the notebook.

It was the same feeling again, not knowing where she was and if she was safe. It made my heart physically hurt to know that when I woke up, she wasn't going to be there to give me forehead kisses. I even considered getting a dog.

In the end I didn't. I just had to come to the conclusion that eventually, It would hurt less. I kept thinking maybe one day i'll wake up and not need to be near her. I kept hoping that someday it would hurt a little less.

But it never did.