When it rains in the desert

1 year

It's been a year now.

I started doing a little okay. That's actually an over statement. Well, if finally being able to sleep through the night is doing okay then I guess i'm doing okay. It's not so much the sleep that's been bothering me, it's the nightmares.

I remember when you used to get them. I remember when I used to hear you screaming and squirming in the middle of the night. I remember how hard it was to calm you down. I haven't told anyone about them yet. I'm afraid of them, of what they might mean.

It's always the same one, always. I'm back in Rick's compound and you're laying there, in my arms. I'm holding up your head to keep you awake. Everything is the exact same as it was that night. There's wood and bricks all over the floor and the smell of gasoline in the air.

You keep coming in and out of consciousness and I can feel you heart beat slowing against my fingers and I'm frozen. There's nothing I can do.

Everything is the same except for the part where you look at me, you look at me and smile. And then I smile back and then you say "Its easier now" and then I wake up.

It's easier now

I know enough psychology to know that it's because I blame myself for your death. I know that I should've killed Rick when I had the chance. I know that you would be alive right now if I hadn't let him go. But now, now that I know that, what do I do with it ?

What do I do with that regret and that pain? because just identifying it isn't enough. There is nothing that can make that guilt go away. When I wake up, I can feel the slow pulse in my fingers and it terrifies me.

So most nights I stay awake, most nights I go to the roof and fight the urges to jump over the edge. I won't say that I haven't considered it. That would be a lie. I considered it the first night I got back from England.

I went up to the roof and walked over to the edge. Then I got up on to the ledge and closed my eyes. The wind was perfect that night. It was the perfect amount of warm and cold. You know that wind, the kind that makes you fall in love with the world.

But love was the last thing i'd felt that night. All I felt was pure hatred. But surprisingly, it wasn't for Rick or Maggie, it was directed at myself. I couldn't stop thinking, believing that it should've been me.

Because I was the one you came back to save, I mean what were you thinking Celia! As soon as they kidnapped me you should have ran and never looked back. It was enough for me to know that you and Lia and Rory were safe.

How do I explain to Rory that her auntie Celia died because she came back to save me? How do I face her when she starts crying for her auntie Celia? I can't do that. I don't deserve to be in your place. I don't deserve to be alive whilst you're not.

Well I guess I do still feel that same hatred a year later.

I believe that if Aaron hadn't found me that night i'd be with you right now. I fought him to get off me. I punched and I kicked until he let go of me. Aaron, who weighs half of what I weigh got me down from the ledge  and talked me out of killing myself.

I was a mess that night, Aaron made me talk to a therapist but I only made it to one session. I couldn't stand sitting there and having some random woman with a bad haircut tell me that it was okay to grieve and that I should open up.

Because I know what I need. I need you. I need you here, alive and telling me that we're going to be okay because there was no me. Like I said, there is no me without you, so now what?

- Jacob