When it rains in the desert

Letters From Carter

I went out to get breakfast and we ate almost silently next to each other. When we were done I took the dishes into the kitchen and put them in the sink. I heard my bedroom door open and and saw her struggling to walk out. I made my way over to her and hesitated for a second before lifting her up.

"I can walk to the sofa myself Jacob." I placed her onto the couch and she readjusted herself so that she was sat up. The sight of her made my heart ache. "Celia who did this?" I said bringing my hand up to her face again and brushing my thumb over her swollen lip. She smiled and seeing that smile did something to my heart. I hadn't let go of her face yet and she looked up at me.

"It's a long story" she said staring back into my hands.

"I've got time" I whispered back. The truth is, I was afraid of the answer. I was afraid of what she was going to tell me.

She let out a deep breath and moved to reach something out of her back pocket. I could see her struggling to reach back and moved forward to take out whatever was in it. I felt it in my hand, a piece of paper and handed it to her but she just pushed it back towards me. I opened it and looked at her just to make sure.

She nodded and I looked at the contents of the page. it was a letter, just like the one she'd left me when she'd gone back to England. Except it was addressed to Celia. I flipped it over and scanned over the page. Celia looked at me and said "read it"

Dear Celia.

I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. You always were the stronger one out of the two of us. I knew you'd make it out of here some day, I just hoped i'd make it out with you too. But now you're gone and there's nothing left for me here anymore. I need you to know that I don't hate you, or blame you for leaving. I'm actually so proud of you, go out there and make something of yourself. Finally write, write for the people who don't have voices, for people like us and don't ever look back. Please don't be sad when you think about me Celia. If you ever find yourself feeling sad about me, do something about it. Do something you'd never, ever do. Do something outrageous.

I stopped and smiled. "Something outrageous?" I said, raising my eyebrow. "like stealing an innocent mans wallet?" she turned away chuckling as I resumed.

I never wanted it to be this way Celia but I love you. you made it worth it every day you made it worth it. All I can say is i'm sorry.

-Carter

I folded up the letter and stared at it in my hands for a moment before she said " Pretty shitty suicide note huh?" I looked at her stunned. How could she say that about the last words her brother ever said to her? I handed back the note and she tucked it back into her pocket.

"They made him write it." she said after a pause. I looked back at her confused, trying to read her expressions. She didn't look sad or guilty, she looked emotionless, she looked like there wasn't actually a person behind those eyes. "My brother used to call me Lex." she said smiling at the memory.

"when we were kids, for some reason Carter couldn't pronounce Celia so to make his life easier I told him to call me Alex." she laughed this time, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. "He said it sounded too much like a boys name, so he settled on Lexi. By the time he'd learnt how to pronounce Celia, Lex had stuck." She looked back at me, searching my eyes to see if i'd made the connection. The connection she'd clearly missed when she first read the letter.

"He wrote Celia, not Lex"  said. She looked into her hands and nodded. She looked back up at me when I took her hand and laced my fingers back through hers. I hadn't felt the familiar weight of her hand in mine in months. The slow movement of her fingers curling around the back of my hand comforted me. Even though we had so much to sort out, I had her back. She was here, in front of me, alive and for that, I was grateful.

"I should've seen it when I first read it, I should've seen that there was something off about it, but i didn't," she shrugged her shoulder, the one that was unharmed, and closed her eyes. I was still looking at our hands intertwined when I said " Ceils, you can't blame yourself, your brother had just died. You can't be switched on all the time."

This caused her to open her eyes and look at me, urgently almost, like I needed to understand it. "Don't you see Jacob? This is what happens when i'm not switched on" she motioned her head to her arm. "If i'm not- if i'm not they'll kill me. They'll kill me, like they killed Carter." I looked up at her. Confused at what she was saying. She saw my confusion.

She re-adjusted on the couch and sat back again.she sighed and started to explain " when Maggie first approached me after Carter died i knew i had to be careful around him. i knew i couldn't fully trust him, but" she pressed her lips into a line and shrugged again.

"But he was nice to us, he cared about us, More than Rick ever did. so i trusted him more than i should've done. " she paused again. i could tell she was in pain and I hated that she wouldn't let me take her to see a doctor but i knew that there was no use arguing with her. So instead i grabbed a cushion from behind me and place it comfortably under her arm.

"Maggie told me he'd been consulting with the police and that we finally had enough witnesses and evidence to get my uncle behind bars. He needed me to come to England to testify because Rick had been seen crossing the border at Dover, back into England." She took a sip of the water i'd gotten her before and carried on. "When I got out of the airport, Maggie was waiting for me with a car and took me to a warehouse. He said that we needed to be briefed about what was going to happen next and took me into a room." She was struggling to meet my eyes now, staring at our hands, still comfortably locked in to each others.

"I was walking behind him when he-" her eyes were glassy when I looked up at them but she wasn't allowing herself that emotion. "When Rick came up behind us and knocked me out. The last thing i remember before it went dark was Rick asking Maggie why the drive here took him so long." she was shaking her head now, that was when I saw it in her eyes. I thought she was holding back because she was afraid to cry about it, but I could now see that she was frustrated, angry, and I could see why. "That Bastard," she scoffed "The smug little shit got me to walk right to him." She was laughing, but not because this was funny. No, she was angry, hysterical. She bit the side of her lip. " I walked right to him" she whispered to herself.