When it rains in the desert

3 minutes

I took my place on the couch in the living room and tried to sleep but I couldn't close my eyes. Celia was back, she was in my bed and I was out here. I couldn't stop thinking about slipping into bed with her. I wanted to count her breaths, the beat of her heart, the rise and fall of her chest. I wanted to watch her so I knew she was real, so I knew that she wasn't just my imagination.

But I couldn't, I couldn't just get up and go to sleep next to her, not when I didn't know what happened. No, I would be strong, stand my ground. 

That lasted all of 3 minutes before I slowly felt myself lifting off the couch and walking from the couch to my bedroom door. I walked slowly, careful not to wake her if she'd fallen asleep. I creaked open the door to make sure she was asleep. I saw her lying on my bed, she'd turned to other way and I could see her bloodied arm resting out on my side of the bed and almost turned back and went to the couch again. But she turned towards me, eyes still shut and I couldn't help it. I missed her. God i'd missed her so damn much.

I walked in, cautiously, closing the door behind me and walked over to the empty side of the bed. When I opened the covers to get in it was like clockwork. she felt the dip in the bed and her arm was out, reaching for the closest living thing to cling to. I had to suppress my smiled as I pulled her close. her head too its place on my chest with her arm tucked comfortably underneath it.

I wished she would wake up. I had so many questions, how did she find my new apartment? Where had she been all this time? why hadn't she told me where she'd gone? Was she okay? did her arm hurt? was she in pain? I wanted to hear her voice. 

But she didn't wake up, and soon I allowed myself to fall asleep. I sank down and placed my nose on top of her hair and smelt the familiar scent of her. She smelt like smoke, smoke and something sweet. I could never place my finger on what it was but it was perfect. 

When I woke up, she was still asleep on top of me, she hadn't moved and I couldn't bring myself to disturb her. She looked so peaceful. So I watched her. I studied the the line of her jaw, the way her chin rounded at the bottom of her face. She used to have fuller cheeks, her lips were chapped too.  She didn't look weak, she never had , just as though she hadn't been eating or drinking properly.

I felt my finger over the crease that sat in between her brows and she stirred in my arms. Her eyes slowly fluttered before she opened them fully. yawning. There was something about seeing a person this early in the morning, the sleep in her eyes, the way she moved her head and scanned her eyes around my bedroom. "Good Morning darling" I  hadn't heard that in months.  Darling. 

"Morning" I replied. I didn't understand why I was being so blunt with her but I couldn't help it. I knew that under everything I was upset, angry and upset about everything that had transpired between us in the past few months.

She got up, fast at first and then she remembered she was hurting. I hadn't noticed when I came in last night but her gun was on my bed side table now. She caught me staring at it and almost whispered it. "I'm sorry" I turned my head to her and she was looking into her hands.

I couldn't ask her what I wanted to ask her so instead "How are you feeling?" I said, not able to meet her eyes. Instead I was staring at her lips. I watched each word as it left her mouth. "Me? Oh i'm absolutely dandy" she answered sarcastically. God i had missed that adorable little accent of hers. I looked at her, thinking of what to say. I didn't know how to behave around her. I began to get up and   made myself to the foot of the bed. She sat up and said "Wait, ja- wait" she flinched again, this time grabbing her stomach and sitting up, leaning her head back on the headboard.

I stood at the bed and turned to meet her eyes. She was looking at me, not betraying any emotion. I dropped my head and pinched the bridge of my nose. Once, just once I wished she would just let her guard down, let herself show some emotion. I looked up at her to see her opening her mouth just to close it again. 

"Yes." I said, but i didn't recognize my own voice. I sounded impatient and annoyed, and I wasn't the only one who noticed. As i looked up at her, I saw her recoil. I saw her flinch before she sighed.  

"You deserve an explanation." She patted the bed next to her for me to sit down and I obliged.

"Ceils, before any of that, you need to see a doctor." I said looking at her arm. She followed my gaze down to her arm and chuckled.

"Would you believe me if I told you this wasn't the first time I've been shot." She'd been shot, twice at least. How was she so casual about this. If you couldn't tell in the moment Celia, I didn't believe you. Not then. I couldn't stop thinking about how, before Celia, I can't imagine ever having that conversation the way we were having it right then. I was reminded of our argument. We lived different lives Jacob. She was right, I had been brushing over the differences between us.

"Well at least let me get you some new bandages and clean it up." She looked at me, into my eyes and after a second she nodded.

"Okay" She whispered . "Okay". I got up to get the bandages from the bathroom and walked back into the bedroom, placing myself across from her. I looked at her, properly. I was so distracted by the blood and her bruises last night, I failed to look at her properly. She looked tired, like she hadn't slept in weeks. There were deep pits under her eyes. I moved my hand up to cup her face and traced the tired lines around her eyes, the hollow of her cheeks. she looked up at me and closed her eyes against my hand and for a minute, we were back where we'd been before she left.

I dropped my hand and ran my hand over her wrapped arm. I brought my hand up to her shoulder ease her body down. I began unwrapping the ripped shirt around her arm and there was a hole in her arm. Well it looked as though the bullet had skimmed her arm. I placed the shirt on my bedside table and looked back at her. I didn't know what to do, i'd never treated a a gunshot would before. She saw the question in my eyes and grabbed the bandage from my hand with her free one.

"There's no bullet inside so all we need to do is clean it and wrap it , it'll heal on it's own." I slowly cleaned the wound before she placed the bandage under her armpit and looked at me to grab the other side. I pulled it from under her arm and wrapped it, careful not to do it too tight.

She tapped my hand and said, "It needs to be tighter" so I unwrapped her arm and re did it. Once it was done, I cut and tied it and she hadn't stop looking at me since we'd started. I looked up to find her looking right back. We were close, too close. If I got an inch closer I knew I wouldn't be able to help it. So I moved backwards instead.

I Looked right into her, into her eyes and saw her discomfort. I could see the pain behind them and I couldn't tell if it was her injuries or something else. I took a deep breath and she looked back up at me and smiled. "Would you like some breakfast sweetheart?" I asked her. She laughed. She laughed with her chest, like she was relieved. It was the most beautiful sound i'd ever heard. I hated that I hadn't heard it more often. I couldn't help but laugh with her. She nodded and said "That would be lovely."