When it rains in the desert

Letters From Celia

Once me and Carter were 16, he had us start doing jobs for him . In the morning we would be at college and then in the night we would do deliveries and cut deals. Once we turned 18 it was university in the day and managing his clubs at night. When you think about it, it was quite amazing, he took two kids that could only just read and write and had them managing his businesses after 4 years. Of course at the time we didn't see it like that. Me and Carter still had hopes to get out of this life so we threw everything into our education. We did our uncles bidding because we knew what would happen if we didn't.

Once Carter had refused to do a job. He had to go and sort out a deal that had gone sour. My uncle only had one way of sorting out bad deals and it usually ended up with someone in a body bag. When Carter refused, my uncle had a gun to my head so fast I barely even saw it happen. He was always the soft one out of the two of us. He always got beat up more as a kid. My father used to tell him to toughen up and be a man but he couldn't help it, he was more delicate than I was. So I offered to do it. I told my uncle I'd do Carter's jobs. He could manage the clubs and I would do the dirty work for him.

I'm aware I'm admitting to murder right now but I would've done anything for Carter to be safe. When I got home from university I would get dressed and go and find my uncles right hand man, Maggie, who would give me a piece of paper with a name on it. He'd then tell me whether I had to eliminate them or talk to them and then I'd do my job.

I remember my first kill. Reece Schofield. The one that Carter was supposed to take. From what I'd been told, he was an ex "employee" and was threatening to trade information for protection. It was no secret that my uncle was wanted. He was just good at keeping people in his pocket. He was making me take this specific target to teach me a lesson. To show me what happened to snitches. The whole time I waited for him to leave his girlfriends house, I told myself I was doing this for Carter. My uncle knew the only thing we loved in this world was each other which worked out perfectly for him.
I remember it all happen like it was in slow motion. Just like when Mrs Valerie died. I remember following him down an ally, I remember taking the gun out of my holster. I remember aiming it and taking the safety off it. I remember him freezing at the sound of it. I remember shooting him before he could even turn around to see who had shot him. I knew if I saw his eyes I would've cowered my way out of it. Convince myself he was innocent, which he was.

The system was easy. My uncle did everything else all I had to do was shoot. Someone would bring me the information I needed on the targets whereabouts and then I would go, kill and then I'd call someone who would then come and clean up the mess I'd made and bam. It was as easy as that. Meanwhile Carter was serving drinks to a bunch of my uncles guests.

I never told you any of this when we were together because it was safer. I should've gone to prison and I didn't want you to be an accomplice, I didn't want to put this on you but I hope you'll understand that I'm not the same person I was. I did it for survival. Not only my own but Carter's too.

The thing is, we all have scars. Sure some people's are bigger than others but we all have them. The thing about scars is that they tell us where we've been, they don't have to dictate where we're going. You taught me that. You taught me that whatever I'd done in the past, I could still chose to be good. I know it's a lot to ask you to still think of me as the Celia you knew but I hope you know that I was a better person with you around.
- Celia