When it rains in the desert

Rory's Mother

The coincidence, the realisation scared the shit out of me. Every bad memory I ever had in my entire life was at the hands of this man. Lia's disappearance, Celia having to leave me, twice and now Rosa too.

I couldn't really explain what happened next. His shirt was balled up in my hands, he was pushed against the wall and it took me a minute to understand that I was the one holding him up against it.

My arm was pressed against his throat and he was looking at me, smiling, even though I could see the veins in his head bulging and his eyes practically falling out of the sockets. He was smiling, and once I understand that I was in control I slammed him up against the wall again, shifting my arm directly under his face. I wanted to do to him what he'd done to me. Cut off his oxygen.

I didn't really know what came over me. I wasn't this guy. I wasn't the guy who choked people to death. But there I was. Physically, Mentally I was some place else. Some place darker.

I didn't understand what this meant. Did it mean that Lia was alive? The hope in my chest begged me to believe that she was alive. But if she was alive it meant that she'd been here for the past 10 years. It meant that she had been here, with him, with Rick and if that was the case, i'd hoped she was dead.

I was still holding him to the wall when I realized if I wanted to find out if she was alive, I had to let him live.

And it is a mistake I'm still paying for. Everyday I wish that when I had him up against the wall I wouldn't have let my own stupid selfishness, my own damn curiosity get the better of me. Because my life, everyone's life would've been so much better if i'd just killed him when I had the chance.

But then I think that it couldn't have been that easy. He came into the room, cell, freaking barn for all I know, telling me what he told me, unarmed, with no protection knowing full well that I was going to freak out. It makes me think of what would've happened if I hadn't let go. But I guess we'll never know.

Because, I let him go.

I watched his body fall to the ground as he gasped for air. "Bring her in" My heart stopped, I didn't know which her he was talking about, I didn't know which her I was hoping would be brought through the door.

"Jacob" she breathed. Relief washed over her face as worry flooded mine. She looked worse than I felt. Her left eye was swollen and her right had a cut just above it. She had bruises on her knuckles and I felt pride in my chest. She'd fought back

"Celia" I said, thanking God, the universe, my lucky freaking stars. She was okay, right in front of me. The man bringing her in pushed her onto the ground and they both stormed out. Slamming the door shut behind them.

As soon as the door shut we rushed to each other. I lifted her off the ground and pulled her into my chest, feeling her exhale against my neck. I was so overwhelmed by having her in my arms that I ignored the pang of sadness in my chest because it wasn't Natalia who had walked into the room.

I kissed her forehead and felt her shift against me. "I'm so glad you're okay." She pulled back, taking my face in her hands, scanning her eyes over the cut on my cheek. I gave her a painful smile and pulled her back into my chest. I didn't want to ever let her go.

"You sure you don't wanna leave me now?" she said. The sight of her made my heart crumble. I wanted to kill them for putting their hands on her. She didn't deserve this. Any of it. But she was in front of me, and not for the first time in our relationship, I was too grateful that she was alive to be angry.

I smiled at her, "When it rains in the desert love" I said. She moved forward, removing the space between us and placing her lips onto mine. It was a soft kiss, barely even there, but more intimate than any other we'd had before.

It felt like she was coming back home, it felt like fireworks. The corners of her lips lifted against mine and I felt her smile and then a tear, followed by a flood of them. For some reason I couldn't contain it.

When she was away I spent every minute of them 6 months trying to forget about her, trying to keep myself busy, trying, hoping that one day it wouldn't be as painful to wake up without her, to make one coffee in the morning, to resist the urge to ask if she wanted pizza because no one was going to answer.

She thumbed away the tears and put her head into my neck.

After a few minutes she said, "Can you keep a secret?" I nodded and then chuckled to myself. She looked up at me, question in her eyes. I kissed her cheek and said "Tell your secret to the wind, but don't blame it for telling the trees"

She smiled, so wide, so wide it made my heart flutter. "You read the book!" She nudged me in the shoulder.I laughed and for a moment I think we both forgot where we were and everything that was happening.

"It made me cry like 6 times, but I got through it." I said, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear. She smiled for a second longer before her eyes turned serious.

"Natalia is Rory's mum." She blurted. I nodded slowly "Rick told me" I said, turning my face away. She nodded back.

"I saw her" I turned back and looked at her, she smiled but it was a sad smile. I had so many questions, Was she okay? How did she look? Was she safe? Did she ask about me? but the one that came out of my mouth was "Did you know?" I had to ask, I felt horrible but I needed to get it out of the way.

She shook her head and relief flooded through me. "No, I recognized her though." She stared in to her hands, as though it was just as painful for to say it as it was for me to hear it. "I remembered seeing her once after i'd been to your parents house. I remembered her eyes. She has the same eyes as Rory."    

I was reluctant to believe it at first, I remember seeing her for the first time and thinking she had the same blue eyes and the same blonde hair. I think some part of my brain didn't want to believe it but now that I could clearly see the connection, they were almost identical.

"I'd seen her at the compound, once. Rick was moving her, showing Maggie where to take her when I walked into the room. He told me to get out but I saw her. It was around 6 years ago. I assume that was when-" She cut herself off and I understood why. I knew she was going to say when Rory was conceived.

The thought of it made me sick. It made me want to bash my own head through a wall. God I wished, so badly that I had killed him.

"But she's safe. She has Rory and she's at your apartment." Another flood of relief. I could cry. "Maggie sent her to me, as a warning, to tell me that he had you." A pause.

"This was never about Rory. This was about me. I took something away from him. I took Rory and he couldn't stand that I bested him. He took you to get to me and i'm sorry"

I shook my head at her, taking her hands in my own. "Hey, what did I say about that? You don't ever have to be sorry to me." She laughed and said "you were always too good for me Jacob Mendoza"

I was about to tell her that she'd better stop it but she spoke before I could. "He killed my parents"

I was certain I'd hear wrong. It always surprised me, how she just blurted things out with no warning.

She was holding back the tears, nodding to herself. "I didn't really care about them, They never cared about me but it still hurts y'know." Her arms were hugging her body and she turned her face in an attempt to keep from crying. I could see her lip trembling and it made me wonder for the first time, what had Rick done to her whilst I was here.

I opened my arms around her and she crawled into them. staying there, holding on to my arms for dear life.I could feel her pain in her sobs, they were quiet but they shook her whole body, like vibrations of pain.

I began rocking her back and forward and we stayed there until we fell asleep on the floor.